I say this every time I post after going dark for awhile. I’d like to say the reason I went dark was because everything was going amazing, swell, and easy. Wouldn’t that be nice?! It’s far from the case.
Although I have a job now. It’s been going strong since mid-February, and it’s is the only part of my life that seems stable. My marriage is on the verge of ending after almost 2 decades together. I stopped smoking. Mainly because I realized that it was taking more for me to get the same effect, and the new job does random tests, so yeah, it was time to stop. Meanwhile, my husband, who suffers from extreme depression, upped his smoking habits.
At first I didn’t see a problem, until we ran out and I couldn’t afford to get any for several days. He would spiral, hard and fast. His meds need to be upped, but with no health insurance we can’t afford to go to the doctor to get it done. We are able to get the meds with a prescription discount card for about $25/month. But he recently stopped smoking too because he realized how much he was smoking and how much it was costing.
Since then his moods have been crazy. I don’t know when he’s okay and when he’s not okay. I made some money decisions in order to keep us afloat while I was without a job and he didn’t approve of them. Meaning I had to use money from his account to pay rent and get groceries. He wasn’t pleased. He removed my access to the account (which has more money in it than mine) and won’t use it to pay bills. It’s selfish, I know. He keeps using this against me to this day. Says I betrayed him, he can’t trust me, etc… I know I should have told him before hand, but its hard to have a conversation with someone is his on another planet from the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. Regardless, I should have told him, but I feel like I’ve done my “time” and have put that money back. We are still struggling because we are just living off my checks, which barely make it from check to check, and his checks are going to his account and not being used for anything other than to build up enough for a project he is working on.
He tells me that he loves a version of me that he doesn’t know exists anymore. I don’t even know how to process that. The other day, he got upset with me because I was frustrated with our kiddo because he wasn’t listening and was trying to stay up late. He lost it on me in front of our son. Full on yelled at me, veins popping. I had never felt so demoralized and small in my entire life. I actually walked out of the house because I didn’t know what to do.
He needs help, and he won’t get help. He doesn’t want to spend money on seeing a therapist. He won’t call the hotline when he is suicidal. I know what he is doing is wrong. I’m fully aware. No husband should treat their wife like that. It’s emotional abuse, straight up. But I’m having difficulty understanding if its because of the depression or if this is what he is like now.
My son is going home to my folks in a few weeks to stay until school starts, and the husband is going out of town for work. As much as I want to be excited about having the house alone, I’m nervous because I already feel alone in a house with other people. What is it going to be like when I actually am?
I haven’t left my house since the 4th of July. And I can’t really afford to go anywhere. So I feel stuck, trapped, and alone.
I need to write more. I need to stop suppressing all these feelings, because it has led to multiple panic attacks today, where I have ended up laying in my bed in the dark with my weighted blanket on me. But I can’t spend my time in the dark under a weighted blanket. I need to live again. I need to be free. I need, for fucks sakes, to feel loved and be loved for who I am right now, and not a version that is hoped to exist.