The Hurt is Real

NOTE:  I started writing this, and noticed I started rambling.  It’s probably because I’m emotional, slightly elevated on THC oil and my anti-anxiety night time meds I haven’t taken in a while, because I haven’t felt like I needed it.  This is me saying sorry in advance.

There comes a time when a person has to say, enough is enough.  I thought I was okay with making my trip to see a partner.  I thought I was okay with whatever the situation was going to be. However, I’m not okay.  When patterns exist in our world, it usually points to something being off.  Patterns aren’t supposed to happen consistently.  They are supposed to occur at random.  I’ve noticed a pattern, and it shows me something has to change, or it will keep happening.  Let me explain

July 2016:  I meet this partner for the first time after chatting with him for 2 months, and I get my monthly visitor.  Things go alright, we have fun, but I’m disappointed because of the monthly visitor.

August 2016:  He makes a trip to see me (4 hour drive).  I’m incredibly sick with a UTI and a bladder infection.  I’m not up for much except hanging out. Later it becomes aware I have a much more serious issue, that has to be dealt with forever now.

Sept. 2016: I make a trip to see my partner for my birthday. (4 hour drive) Shit goes down, I’m disappointed about how it went, cry several times on the trip in secrecy, and cry on the way home.

Oct 2016:  I make the trip again for his birthday (4 hr drive).  Again, random stuff goes down. His wife is sick this time.  He has to tend to her needs.  Which, don’t get me wrong is what he should do, but it seems strange the whole sequence of events of her getting “sick”

Dec. 2016:  They come to my husband and I.  We exchange gifts, our kid goes to a friends house for the night.  We enjoy a night seeing a comedian.  During the show, my partner starts not feeling well.  We get back to the house, my husband and the wife leave to go to their hotel room.  Myself and my partner stay at the house.  He’s too sick to do anything.

Feb. 2017: They come to visit again, this time for my husband and son’s birthday.  Things are great.  We have a nice night together in the hotel room. It’s probably one of the better times we’ve been together.

March 2017:  I’m accused of something I didn’t do.  Feel free to read this blog post for context. Although the blog post is April, this post explains everything.

April 2017: Visit to my partner for a few days as spring break.  It doesn’t go well, and I feel that it’s because of said blog post incident. We have a long talk, but I don’t feel better upon leaving.

May – July 2017:  Less and less talking, and when we do talk it’s nothing of importance.

July 2017:  Haven’t seen my partner, all sorts of reasons are given for why we can’t meet up.  I begin to feel like he is holding something back and not being honest. Which leads to a MASSIVE fight between us.  He goes radio silent, I call him out on it, he blames me for shit again etc…

September 2017: He invites me to come to his place.  First time I’ve seen him since April, first time since our big fight.  I’ve seen the wife on several occasions, because she has driven to our house to see my husband. But not my partner. I’m torn on what to do, but I decide to come. That leads to me to where I am now.

Sitting in the dark writing this post on my computer, post crying, post mediating, unable to sleep. You see, I shouldn’t have come.  I knew I would end up disappointed.  I knew I would end up hurt.  But I pushed it aside. I was like, no, we’ve both changed a lot, and grown and have become close again, so i thought.

I knew I shouldn’t have come, the moment I walked in the door and received no hug. 6 months since I’ve seen him, no hug, no touching. The wife, who had literally just left me house the day before gives me a huge hug. Yesterday was spent sitting on the couch, with very little eye contact from him, no touching of any kind. Making it uncomfortable. I did manage to convince him to spar with me, so we did, but that’s not the kind of touching I wanted.  Today, he was better, I got a hug, he made me coffee, presented me with a new band for my FitBit.  We went to the gun range, had a good day.  Still no sexual affection.  I’m clearly in the friend zone now.  I couldn’t get the nerve to ask him with my voice to come sleep in the same bed as me tonight.  This is something we’ve done EVERY TIME we’ve been together.  It felt awkward asking him because of the mixed signals.  So I texted him, as he sat in the chair on the other side of the couch.

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Don’t want to make it awkward?  You’ve already done that.  You’ve invited me to your house, and done everything possible to send me mixed signals.  Did I mention, I sent this text and then 30 minutes later, I say I’m going to bed.  5 minutes later he sends his response.

I contemplated not responding, but that’s not my style.  So you can clearly see my response and I didn’t answer the last text because I’m angry.  I don’t know if I’m more angry with myself for thinking this time would be different, or more angry with him.

Current feelings:

I don’t feel important to anyone in my life right now, husband included because he’s going through a selfish loop within his depression, and now one can see my pain like I can see everyone else’s.

The hurt is real right now.  It’s so real that I took another night time med because I need to sleep and not wake up anxious in the morning, because I have to drive 4 hours home.

But know this, I’m changing this pattern.  I’m not coming back.  I refuse to drive 4 hours for him anymore.  I refuse to allow him to hurt me anymore.  I may sneak out early without saying goodbye, because it won’t fucking matter anyway.

The hurt is real. I’m tired of hurting.

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Feeling Frustrated

Tomorrow is my birthday. And I’m bitter, angry, and frustrated. I’ve been without a job since July 26th. I’m doing my best to keep my shit together and support my family the best way I know how.

I’m tutoring kids and driving for Uber. To most this would sound like a pretty relaxing gig. There’s not a lot of stress involved there, right? Wrong. When Uber brings in only a mere fraction of what I made working for a charter network and my husband isn’t having a lot of luck with his work either, it’s starting to put a strain on things. Major strains in fact.

So far I’ve managed to stay ahead on bills, but the money is starting to run out. Did I mention that my family doesn’t know I’m unemployed, that my previous employer refused unemployment benefits even after they agreed they would pay, we were denied Medicaid benefits, and food stamps. Why am I paying this money into services that when I need them, I’m told no. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m actively trying to find a new job. I have an interview next week for the job I really want, and should know today about another job.

I told my husband last night I felt angry over all this. Of course he got upset with me and said he is doing his best to not get depressed and he can’t have me bringing up shit like that. How am I supposed to vent? How am I supposed to pick myself up when I can’t grieve in a sense? It’s not fair.

My best friend was supposed to come down this weekend, but I told them not to come because of their work schedule. I want to see them. I haven’t seen them in 6 months, but I can’t be selfish and force them to come down and play the “it’s my birthday card.” That’s not in my nature. So I sacrificed what I wanted for them and what they needed. It’s really a typical move for me. I realize that my husband can’t handle any negative stuff, even if I’m just venting to get it out, so it gets bottled back up. I find myself not taking my meds like I should. And reverting back to old ways.

It’s not healthy, and I know this now. The crying urge is a constant feeling these days, but I push pass. Why? Because I don’t have anyone that will support me here. I don’t have a solid ground to stand out. So I make my own solid ground by ignoring what I’m actually feeling and fake it until I make it.

My last day as 33 will be spent like most of my other days in my early adult life, taking care of other people with no one to take care of me.

The thighs… they burn

Before the start of the summer I was working out everyday doing kettle bells. Then the shit hit the fan, so to speak, with work and I stopped.

Last night I got back on the workout wagon and today I am feeling it. It’s a good feeling and I’m glad that I’m hurting. I’m quite disappointed with myself for stopping. I had lost a ton of weight and was eating good, and that went right out the window when my stress kicked up.

I want to start running again. But it’s too hot. I know that’s an excuse, fully aware, but I live in the Deep South and I might die, lol.

Here’s to a new me. Again. But I can do it!

Everything Changes

There is a meditation in the app I use called “Everything Changes.” It’s meant to help those, like myself, with anxiety to deal with things that come up. I’ve done it a few times, but it never did anything for me.

Tonight, I can’t get those two words out of my head. While talking with my husband earlier we discussed how he hasn’t been social. He has been spending a lot of time writing and working. I pointed out he is more social than I am at the moment. Some days, since being unemployed, I don’t even leave the house. I simply move from one room to the next. I very rarely am in the same room with my husband because I don’t want to disturb his writing. Saying this out loud triggered a sadness inside I didn’t know I had.

I miss going to the coffee shop. I miss seeing my old coworkers. It hurts that while I was on suspension everyone had my back, texted me all the time to see how I was. Now, I haven’t heard from anyone in three weeks. I don’t go to the coffee shop because I don’t want to run into anyone. I don’t want to explain I don’t have a job, that I spend my days watching show after show on Netflix. That’s all I’ve done for 6 weeks now.

I feel isolated. I feel lonely. I miss working. I know that when I do get a job I will miss my freedom I have now, but that doesn’t change how I feel.

I think what sucks the most is that my birthday is coming up. Two weeks away. We had a big awesome trip planned that we had to cancel since I quit my job. It seems like every year there is something around my birthday. Last year I had to go on a work trip, the previous year my husband broke his foot, the year before that I was deathly ill. I can continue for the last ten years, but I won’t. The one thing I wanted for once was the have a nice easy birthday, but now I don’t care anymore. It’s another day that I will spend on my son’s bed watching Netflix while my husband works in the living room.

Everything changes. But some things never do.

4 Nouns

My last class started this week for my EdS in Educational Technology.  We have the typical introduce yourself post.  I’m not usually a fan of these.  I’ve now been in class online with the same group of people since November of 2015, it seems crazy to introduce myself when everyone already knows me.  However, this time, the teacher introducing style threw me for a loop.

We had to name 4 nouns that describe us, without explaining.  That’s it.  4 simple nouns.  This of course made me stop and really think about how I would describe myself with nouns.  I asked my husband.  Who just stared at me blankly.  Wasn’t a good sign in my mind, however he said the obvious “Mother, Teacher, Wife, Lover.”  Of course I can’t use Lover for my class, but it made me think, is that how he sees me.  As those four things.  So I took to my friends for their views, just to see.

Friend 1: Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend

Friend 2: Chef, Mom, Committed (that’s an adjective which is not usable), Rock

Friend 3: (This friend gave me a list of adjectives, which I really appreciated, then realized I said nouns) Gamer, Teacher, Friend, Boss

Friend 4: Stairs, Sponge, Funnel, Diamond

Friend 4 made me stop in my tracks.  They seem odd.  Much different from the words I got from my husband and Friend 1.  By the time she had responded to me, I had already posted my nouns of Educator, Mother, Gamer, Rock.  Now at first thought, I’m pleased with those nouns.  They describe me.  You can clearly see those things about me after you chat with me for a few minutes.  But I immediately regretted those first three words. Not because I am those things, but because that is how people see me at the surface.  Those are surface words.  Those words don’t describe me in depth.  I wish I had waited (bc I can’t delete posts, in my online classes platform), because Friend 4 with the combination of Rock from Friend 2 describes in depth me.  Let me explain:

c47b856a88d1968d7c45e554c3abb504-wood-staircase-wooden-stairsWhy stairs?  Why does the nouns stairs describe me?  According to my friend, she thinks of stairs for how I am always creating a path for people to be better and to help them reach goals.  Stairs help us to reach higher places.  They take us to new heights, and she knows that deep down in my heart, that’s what I truly enjoy doing.  And she’s right.  I love working with people and helping them figure out what they want to do to be better.  I also find myself wondering a lot of the time how to achieve bigger and better things for myself and my family, so the idea of using stairs to describe me seems very fitting.

large-natural-sea-sponge-45The concept of me being a sponge actually made me laugh when she first said it.  It made me think she said that because I’m constantly cleaning up after everyone.  However, her explanation is much better.  She told me that I’m a sponge because I soak everything up in terms of learning.  I truly do love to learn new things.  I find it exciting to discover new crazy things.  My husband likes to give me crap about my daily useless facts that I pass along to him.  I guess that’s me being a sponge and soaking up crazy new information from all things and then sharing all the information with other people.

712-htqnpxl-_sx355_Funnel?  Because I like to cook?  No.   I’m a funnel because I’m good at filtering information and finding what I really need and getting things done efficiently.  Funnels help us to prevent messes when we are having to transfer liquids into new containers.   My friend says that I’m a funnel for all the new information I take in and then figure out a better way to express the information to others so that they don’t get overwhelmed.

rock

Rock.  YES!  I am a rock.  I am the stability for my family.   I stand my ground against things that are wrong.  I hold my family above the crazy shit that happen in our lives.  I don’t waiver.  Even at my lowest with my anxiety, I am still a rock for my husband, my son, and my friends that need me the most.

Am I upset that I posted that I’m a Mother?  No.  It’s one of the single most glorious things in my life.  My son makes me world go round.  Considering now that I am unable to have any children, I’m very thankful for my birth control baby. That’s right… birth control baby.  There was a reason he defeated the odds with birth control and the world will know it soon. This kid is going to change something big in the world, I can feel it.

Educator.  I am.  I am this through and through.  I always have been and I always will be.  From the time I spent teaching my stuffed animals as a kid, to working with elementary aged kids when I was in high school, to now where I’m working with adults.  I live, breathe, and will die with education coursing through my veins.

Gamer.  Although, it’s not as often as I would like, I do love relaxing by playing video games, board games, or table-top RPGs.  It always me to take on a different perspective for a few hours.

It’s really hard to identify yourself with just 4 nouns.  Its hard to make people see you for what you are with those nouns, but its do-able.  But I know I’m more than those surface level nouns.  I have deep-rich nouns that describe me.

Stairs. Sponge. Funnel. Rock.

Finding My Voice

It’s been a long time since I blogged.  I would like to say that things have been going well.  However, that is far from the case.  In mid July drama went down at my work place.  I’ve always enjoyed the people that I work with but the upper portion of my network was starting to play games.  By that I mean they were starting to do things that I didn’t 100% agree with.  I had already planned for this school year to be my last year with them.  I was ready to move on to something much bigger.  Needless to say, I ended up resigning my position at the beginning of August without another job lined up.  It was the toughest decision that I’ve ever made, however, it was also the best thing that I could have done.

The work that I was doing was not appreciated.  I was being taken advantage of.  I was doing the work load of 5 people, and not getting any additional money.  Which, to be honest, is fine by me, because I’d rather do the work and take the burden off the teachers.  It became quickly apparent to the upper management at my now ex-network to realize the extent of the work I was doing, because they wanted me to continue to write lessons for them for three grade levels until they could hire my replacement.  I told them no.  I shouldn’t have to resign for my worth to be seen.

I’ve enjoyed having this time to myself.  I haven’t had to do anything.  Ironically, my class for my EdS the same weekend of my last day of work, so I haven’t had anything to do for the last two weeks.  My next class starts this coming Monday and I’m looking forward to it.  It’s my final class before my capstone project and then I’m finished!  I have several jobs that are full time in the works.  One of which starts Oct. 1st if I am able to secure it.  I’m really excited about that one, and it looks the most promising.  In the mean time I’m going to be tutoring kiddos after school that need additional support and delivering for UberEats.

I’d like to wish that was in the end of the turmoil in my house these past 5 weeks, however that’s not the case.  My husband was headed to a convention for his writing last week and was involved in a car accident with a semi 5 hours away from home.  This could have gone a lot worse than it did.  He came away unharmed, but my car was not so lucky.  The semi-truck company took full responsibility for the wreck, but now I have no car, and no job.  The accident shed some new light on certain aspects of our lives.  I’m beyond thankful that my husband is alive, and this is 100%  a new chapter starting for us as a family.  The last year and a half were been the closest we’ve ever been and now with this, it’s forcing us to look at everything and determine what is the most important.

On Monday, my husband’s computer crashed.  This was the point where I reached my limit and realized that I’m done with all the negative shit happening in my life.  My husband did not have any of his files backed up, and he is working on a major project.  I was beyond pissed that he didn’t have any backups, and felt it was very reckless of him.  Then I realized that it’s his own fault and he had to learn this lesson the hard way.  Thankfully, the computer technician was able to recover the files and repair the computer but not before costing me close to $200.00.   Monday was the first time my husband had been on the computer since the wreck, so we are certain it was damaged in it.  I’m not a person who is out for money, but the truck’s insurance company is going to have to pay for a new one in addition to the car issues.

In all of this trial and turmoil I have found my voice again, and have started putting my foot down. I flat out told Clint that he had to get out of his depression spiral and figure out what to do because I didn’t have the ability to do that for him.  I left him alone after the tough love and within 20 minutes he came out and began working on our son’s computer, in the cloud, and figuring out where he should begin his manuscript again. I also have been more assertive with some friends that constantly complain about their issues as well.  I get that everyone has their problems, but if you only see things in the negative light, then your life will be negative.

I told my therapist yesterday that everyone else can go F*** themselves.  Because I’ve realized what matters is my happiness, my husband and my child.  Now does that mean I’m going to become isolated and cut off from my friends?  No.  It means that I’m going to pay more attention to my family instead of outside things.  Far too long I’ve let outside forces rule my life, and that will be no more.   I’ll still be there for my friends, but my family comes first.

I’ve found that this quote has been my guiding force through all of this.

36707-Hardships

We are 100% in a hardship, but when we come out of it, things are going to be so much better for us!   I’m going to do a better job of blogging as well.  There’s really no excuse for me not to.  Lord knows I have all the time in the world right now.

 

What now?

Yesterday was a rough day.  I wrote about what I would say to my friend/partner about him removing me from his life without warning. 

By 12:30 yesterday I had an email from him giving me those reasons. I thought I could handle it. I thought getting closure would be it. But as I lay in a fancy hotel room my husband whisked me away to for the week to take my mind off it, I can’t stop thinking that the last time I saw my partner in April would be the last time. 

I have so much to say to him. So much to explain. I want one more time to say goodbye. But that won’t happen. He says I betrayed his trust because I said something in passing to his wife. Something I didn’t know was a secret.  When his wife asked me, did you know about X, I said yes and explained the conversation. She then went back and relayed it to him. How is that something I could have prevented? I believe in honesty, truth, and compassion. 

I’m trying. I really am to let him go. But how do you so easily let someone go that you let in? That you trusted? That you cared for? 

The pain I feel is real. I can only hold it in so much. I want to cry. I want to see him one more time to know that is the last time. I see things that I know he would find humorous but can’t send him.  But I can’t. 

So, I’m stuck faking it til I make it until the pain goes away. I just don’t know when that will be.