What now?

Yesterday was a rough day.  I wrote about what I would say to my friend/partner about him removing me from his life without warning. 

By 12:30 yesterday I had an email from him giving me those reasons. I thought I could handle it. I thought getting closure would be it. But as I lay in a fancy hotel room my husband whisked me away to for the week to take my mind off it, I can’t stop thinking that the last time I saw my partner in April would be the last time. 

I have so much to say to him. So much to explain. I want one more time to say goodbye. But that won’t happen. He says I betrayed his trust because I said something in passing to his wife. Something I didn’t know was a secret.  When his wife asked me, did you know about X, I said yes and explained the conversation. She then went back and relayed it to him. How is that something I could have prevented? I believe in honesty, truth, and compassion. 

I’m trying. I really am to let him go. But how do you so easily let someone go that you let in? That you trusted? That you cared for? 

The pain I feel is real. I can only hold it in so much. I want to cry. I want to see him one more time to know that is the last time. I see things that I know he would find humorous but can’t send him.  But I can’t. 

So, I’m stuck faking it til I make it until the pain goes away. I just don’t know when that will be. 

What I Want to Say

I’ve made several posts about losing a friend. It’s official now. That person is not in my life.  Without any answers on their part, I’m left with great amounts of hurt, disbelief, and sadness.  

Against my better judgement, I texted yesterday afternoon. You see, I had been ghosted without reason. Texts of excitement I sent over passing a major exam for my field of work, went up unnoticed, unrecognized.  I knew when I sent this last text that would be it. But I needed to send it. 


I could have made this very mean and harsh. But I was honest and to the point. As of this morning, no response. That is the closure I needed. I still have so much to say to them. So I decided to write it here. 

I read an article the other day about the types of people who come into your life. Two of those stand out to me. The long-haul and the for a short time. 

When we met, it was like having someone that understood my issues with how my brain works.  We joked so many times that I was the female version of you and vice versa.  I shared my inner most demons with you and trusted you and valued your opinion more that you will ever know.  You told me that you cared about me, you said you worried about me, these statements put you in the “long-haul” friendship category and evidently you became my best friend. 

Now I’m letting questioning all those late night talks about life, about work, and school and if you ever truly cared about me the way you said you did. 

You changed my life. You helped push me in ways that I didn’t know I needed to be pushed.  You told me everything would be okay when I started therapy that it’s a healing process. You reassured me multiple times after you thought I betrayed your trust that you weren’t going anywhere, that you would always be my friend.  

But things have changed. You no longer, it would appear, want me in your life. You stopped confiding in me and built a wall around yourself, and tried to convince me it wasn’t there.  But it’s there, and I’m walled out without an explanation for you. 

In all honesty you don’t need to explain yourself to me, but as someone whom I trusted and cared for deeply, it is owed to me the reason to which you suddenly decided to leave my life, without warning. 

That is the part that hurts the most. There was no warning. As I look back on the last 4 months, I can see the slow build to this, but I thought there was still time to repair whatever was broken. But there’s not. 

I’ve cried over you. I’ve cried over losing our friendship. I’ve cried over losing my best friend, and someone I thought who would be in my life for the long haul. Part of me still wants to believe that. That you are going through something that you don’t want help with, and I understand that. However, the way you’ve treated me the last few months is not how you treat friends. 

I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. When you are ready.  But I now know that you may never be ready and that I’ve lost you. 

I want to thank you for being there for me over the last year with all of my problems you’ve helped me through. I want to thank you for showing kindness to my son and all the gifts you bought him.  I don’t want to believe you were put into my life for a short term to help me through my problems, but that’s what it appears to be. 

I’m truly sorry if I did something to cause this. I’ve thought for weeks now what I did to cause this. And to be honest, I don’t know.  You stopped trusting me in March. That was the stepping point, and again you told me time and time again we were okay, and that you believed me. 

I could dwell on all the negative things and the hurt you have now brought into my life.  Instead, I’m going to think about the good times we’ve had.  All the movies we watched together, the gun range, long talks well into the night, hours of time spent playing video games with me and teaching me how to play games that require two thumb sticks. The gifts you bought me that were so perfect.  I will cherish those memories. 

I miss you. I wish I knew why things are what they are. But thank you for all the wonderful things you did help me with in this short amount of time we’ve known each other. 

Anger

*** Warning, I’m angry and when I’m angry I drop certain words, that some might not like. *** 

The rage that courses through my body this morning is great.  It started last night.  With a  simple conversation that I knew was going to enrage me once I got the full story.

Ties are being cut.  For good this time.  I don’t need the drama in my life.  I need the freedom from the weight that I carry about this friendship.  I’ve tolerated it long enough.  I cannot continue to let this negative force into my life.  Which sucks.  Because I didn’t see them as a negative force, until recently, when I started asking questions to myself.

How much of your friendship was based on truth, twisted truths, or straight up lies?

Does this person actually care about me, or was it all pretend?

I’m tried of excuses.  I’m tied of feeling like I’m the one that has done something wrong.  I’m tried of it all.

Here is my ultimate problem.  I can’t express what I want to express.  Because things I know, I’m not supposed to know, and I don’t want to get the other person who is also involved in trouble.  So in my head, I’ve cut ties, but I cannot give them my 100% wrath because of the implications involved.

This is the shit that I’m talking about.  Knowing something, myself having to pretend, because the other person doesn’t know I know.  It’s deceptive.  It’s hurtful and I don’t like having to be put into this position.  But WTF am I supposed to do?  I still deeply care about one person involved and do not want to lose them, but could give a rats ass about the other at this point.  But I have to continue as if nothing is wrong.

I don’t want complicated.  I don’t have time for that.

So the anger inside is building.  I’m starting boxing this week.  That is to help with my anger.  But in the mean time, I’m not sure how to get this anger to go the fuck away.

I slept like shit last night because in my dreams I just had the same thing happen over and over again.  Me telling this person off and getting closure.  But, I can’t do that.

Anger-quotes-6-500x419

Welcome to my anger.

Answers

Today I got solid, scientific evidence of what could be causing my anxiety and depression. 

To fully understand how I got these answers you have to know some background information. In Feb. 2015, I had my first complex migraine. The problem with this is that I was teaching when it happened. It started out by feeling really weak, dizzy, and sick to my stomach. I thought I that I needed something to eat because it was almost 11 and I hadn’t eaten. So I sent a student to the front office to purchase a snack for me to make it through the end of class. I finished that class and started my last class when I started seeing black dots and the light sensitive started. Thankfully this was my best class as I was giving the instructions for the day, I began to have difficulty figuring out what I wanted to say. Mind you, I had already done this 3 times prior. 

Within five minutes I was unable to articulate more than a few words at a time. I started texting (or attempting) to text my husband. A student went to get the principal while another student took my phone and called my husband and then two others helped me sit down and rest my head on the desk. All other students were silent. 

We only live a few minutes from where I teach, so my husband got there fast and rushed me to the ER. They believed I was having a mini stroke, I received several scans and loads of medication. The scans came back clean and they determine it was a complex migraine. For a three months I was having these almost every day. I stayed medicated with an OTC pain killer while I taight (no rest for the weary) and at night I took the good stuff and laid in the dark.  

While this was going on, I was also in the middle of a fertility treatment because we were trying to have a second child. I saw a specialist in May of 2015. Test were run and then was told they couldn’t give me any migraine meds because we were trying to have a child. And that was the end of that. Since then I’ve been very aware of my triggers and I only have one migraine maybe two a month, but never as bad as that first one. 

Fast forward to today when I say my PCP. I expressed all my feelings of sadness and depression that last month or so, and how I think I need an additional medicine for the depression. She started looking through my blood work and discovered the blood work from the doctor in 2015. They are in the same hospital network of doctors so all my records are shared between. 

She causally said something about “your gene mutation” and I stopped and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” She proceeded to tell me that the specialist in 2015 discovered I have a MTHFR gene mutation. That’s right that stupid abbreviation looks like Mother Fuck Gene Mutation. She said this explains all your problems. My jaw almost hit the floor. I have the A1298C mutation twice, and since it’s hereditary, one or both of my parents have it.  

Possible issues with this mutation include: 

  • Excessive tiredness (all day every day)
  • Anxiety (check)
  • Depression (check) 
  • Hypertension 
  • Migraines (check) 
  • Miscarriages (check)

I could continue with the list of problems this causes, but I won’t. 

Here within is the good and the bad news. It can be controlled because it targets and enzyme in your body thus you can take a prescription plus B-Complex to control it. Yeah for good news. BUT, there’s not a lot of scientific study on it because it is a somewhat new discovery. In fact, most of the information out there is on hipster homeopathic websites. Don’t get my wrong, I have zero problems, repeat ZERO PROBLEMS if that is your thing. Personally I like cold hard scientific data. Formal studies. 

We did more blood work to see my levels for the enzyme, she upped my meds dosage, and I go back in a month for the new course of treatment. 

It was a major relief to know it’s in the DNA and that is what is causing all my issues. Not that I’m lazy and lack motivation. My stupid genes are mutated. 

I did call my mom and tell her so she could get tested. That list of issues I stopped with, remember it’s much longer, and my mom has more of those, which leads me to believe I got this from her. 

Now I have hope again. Hope I can fix this. Hope that my problems will at least get smaller. They can’t ever go away. Again, it’s in my DNA.  But there’s hope. 

Angry Mom

Today is supposed to be a fun day. A day of celebration. But my mind is racing over this article I read last night. 

I cried for a long time. I don’t want to be that mom. I want to be the mom that doesn’t let her anxiety make her angry.  I’m so over stressed, so overworked, that the slightest thing will set me off. 

My husband and son had a boys night in the living room last night. I hung out in my sons room and watched TV. Until I found that article and then it was over. I couldn’t find anything to watch that satisfied me. I kept thinking about everyone not wanting to hang out with me because I change the vibe of any situation.  So I cried.  

I sent the article to my husband, who told me to come to the living room. He held me and I cried some more. I don’t want to be that person. He says that I’ve come along way in a short amount of time, and I still have growth to be made. That he is here for me. But I can’t stop thinking how many times when I snap for no reason he yells at me for making everything worse. 

Half the time I feel like a failure and guilt filled for things I have done or things I haven’t done. Not sure how to make that go away, when the anger rages inside and there’s no place for it to go. 

I’m trying my best today. I really am. My husband can see I’m still upset. He tells me everything is okay. It is, outside my head. But inside it’s pretty bad. I see my PCP tomorrow. I’m going to ask for antidepressants along with my anti-anxiety meds because I can’t take much more. 

I want to be happy. I want to make those around me happy. I want to feel like myself. And right now, I don’t feel like myself. 


If you are in the states, I hope you have a happy 4th. If you are elsewhere in the world, I hope you day is what you want it to be. 

Hair Cut

It’s funny to me, how one change can make a big difference. I’ve been letting my hair grow. Not really sure why, besides the fact that I couldn’t really find someone I liked to cut it since moving to my current location almost 6 years ago. My way of coping with that has been to color my hair every 6 weeks at home. 
It was the change I needed, but recently I haven’t felt good about the way I look. I knew it was time to make a cut and redefine my look so that I felt happy again. I did that yesterday. My best friend called her stylist and made me appointment. 

Here is the before. My hair was a wreck. Just looked unhealthy. Most days I didn’t even have it down, it was up and out of my way. 


Here is the after. 


I feel so much better about myself with this one change. I feel pretty again. I feel good about myself. On top of that, it’s given me a renewed purpose in getting back on the workout train. 

I hope everyone can find a small change to make them feel better today.