Still Kickin’

I haven’t posted anything in over a month.  Things have been carrying on as about as normal as I can get them to be.  I’m still looking for a job, and with each day that passes, I feel my anxiety build even higher.  I’m getting plenty of “we like your resume, do this task, and then an interview,” but then that’s where everything stops.  I can’t get pass the last round to seal the deal so to speak.  I don’t know if they can sense my desperation, or if they are calling my previous school and getting a not true story.

I’ve basically isolated myself from everyone except my family.  I haven’t heard from any of my old co-workers, who supposedly had my back.  That is what hurts the most.  Feeling like I had a support system, and then come to find out that I really didn’t.

Things are good at home, for the most part.  I keep everyone happy in the house, but there’s no one to help keep me happy.  I’m back to suppressing on a daily basis the emotions that I feel because I can’t show weakness in front of my husband.  I’m beginning to see that I don’t really have anyone in my corner for help.  I truly do feel alone. I feel like that I’m in someone’s life for their own purpose.  I’m a means to an end for people.  I always bend over and help those in end, and I don’t ask for anything in return.  I have an pretty decent example of this.

Every year for Christmas I bake.  I don’t mean I bake a batch of cookies.  I mean I bake batches and batches of cookies.  This year I was asked by husband’s partner if I could teach her to bake.  She was never taught to bake cookies, or candy, or really anything.  I said of course!  Her husband is the one that I had a falling out with, we no longer are sleeping together, but are just friends.  He wanted all the details for when she was coming, so I gave them all, invite him to come down as well.  He said that he was going to be spending time with “Jane” (not her real name).  But this Jane is the one that started to bring forth all the drama that I’ve probably blogged about too many times.  I felt used because he just wanted is wife out of the house and occupied so he could have time with “Jane.”  Then proceeds to send me text messages trying to get information for him about what his wife was doing.  This is how all this shit happened before, so I called him out on it.  Told him it wasn’t fair to use me and put me into that situation.  Our interactions are few and far between these days, and when we do talk, I get “canned” responses not meaningful ones. Now, his wife did come down.  I’ve made 6 batches of cookies in the last 3 days, she hasn’t helped with a single one.  She’s been cuddled up on the sofa with my husband, doing the EXACT things that she is pissed at “Jane” about with her husband.  So I was used as an excuse to come down to learn to bake, but really she just wanted time with my husband.  I could continue but I’m not.

I’m sure some of you are like, why do you let that happen?  Well, it’s a swinging thing and to be honest, I know that this is coming to an end.  We’ve decided to stop come the first of the year.  My husband knows the toil this has put on me with all of the drama that I’ve been dragged into.  I don’t find it fun anymore.  I actually get annoyed 9 times out of 10 when I get a text from someone that wants to hook up.  I’m just not in the mood for it anymore.  I’d rather be home, with my husband, and my son.

I’ve changed a lot this last year, both mentally and physically.  I’ve gone through a major bout of depression with no meds, no support, and struggle each day to continue on.  However, I know I’m not defined by my anxiety.  I know my worth.  I am not the person that most people think I am.  I’ve been beaten down this year.  I’ve fallen more times than I can count, and the victories are rare.  But I live for the victories.  Those small victories is what keeps me going, because I know that I’m going to get mine soon.  I’ve paid my dues in pain, anxiety, and depression.

Until then, I’ll push through with my tears.

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