Number Crunching

Part of my job is to crunch the numbers and do data analysis when the students in my charter network take the test I have written. 

On days like today, I sit in front of my computer and do this all day: 


I look for trends, both good and bad, and figure out of the question was a bad one or if the kids got tripped up by something else. 

I do this three times a year. This was my last time crunching the data for this year. Although the data wasn’t as good as I hoped, the kid did grow this year, and I’m proud of the hard work by 20+ teachers put in teaching a new curriculum that is much more than remembering dates and historical figures.  

History is about learning the implications from past events and learning how to not have those same things happen again. 

Tomorrow I stand in front of my teachers for the last time before their state test in three weeks time and remind them that their hard work, dedication, and tireless efforts did not go unnoticed by me. 

Guilt

In therapy today we talked about my overwhelming and constant guilt.  She’s charged me with figuring out what I get out of the guilt.  

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. That’s there is something gratifying about feeling constant guilt. 

Sunday the guilt was bad. Sunday was just a bad day in general, but the guilt is constant. While sitting on the back porch I had a text conversation with my best friend.  He knows my brain and how it works. This is part of our conversation. 



He helped me to see that my brain has been wired and filled with anxiety, guilt, and frustration for my whole life.  I’ve been on meds for just a little over three months. There’s no instant cure for this, but I can get better. 

But, like my therapist told me today, I can’t get better until I know what I get from feeing guilty. So I have two weeks to figure it out before she gets back from vacation to figure this out. 

Here’s to finding out. 

Love for Tuesdays

I love Tuesdays! It’s odd, I know. But for me it’s a day where I don’t have to deal with anyone.  I work solely from home on Tuesdays.  My husband has Jiu Jitsu in the morning so he is gone for several hours. This allows me time to myself, which if you have a kid, you know is rare. 

So I do my normal morning routine of getting ready, walk my son to his bus stop, and then come back home to work from the comfort of my sofa with Netflix playing in the background. 

I get a few hours with my husband before he’s off to his part time gig being a tour guide, and a few more hours of quiet house before my son comes bounding through the door at 4:30. 

The amount of work I can get done on Tuesdays is amazing. 

Let’s see what I can conquer today! 

Do Over

Finding myself in a similar headspace this morning as I was yesterday.  So today, I changed my desktop background on my computer to this: 


It’s true. And it helped turn my day around.  Every time I look at my desktop I would laugh and get back to work. 

I had my standard Monday meeting and was actually at my office. I went in feeling great. I’ve managed to accomplish 1/2 of my workload that is due by May 19. Then I get a copy of the official schedule for next school year, and there were significant changes.  My heart dropped. I now have to go back and re do the work I already did. 

I’m trying to not get myself worked up over it. But it’s rather frustrating because I try to get ahead and then have to redo it because things change. The rest of my coworkers, were not upset because they hadn’t started yet. 

The bright side I just have to copy and paste into the updated format, so it couldn’t be worse. 

Tonight I shall sit down with my computer, favorite drink and snacks, and Netflix it up while I copy and paste.

Night time Meds

I didn’t take them last night. We went out, I drank, and we didn’t get home until 5am. I can’t remember the last time that has happened. 

I haven’t woken up feeling anxious in MONTHS. Last night wasn’t the night to skip my meds, with the work I have to do today for my PhD program, of which I haven’t started. 

I can feel it building and I hope I can keep it contained with just my daytime meds. 

Lesson learned though. Even though I enjoyed myself last night, I need all my meds everyday. 

Lazy Day

It stormed all day today. I love it when it rains because it feels like the world is starting fresh. Washing away everything negative away.  

In pulled in the friendly neighborhood cat right before a big storm came through and we slept on the couch for a solid two hours. My husband snapped a picture of us passed out. 


I did nothing today except lay on the couch, laundry, and sleep. 

I’m calling that a win! 

Coffee Shop

I’m lucky enough to have an amazing job with a flexible work schedule and work location. I have a desk in an office, but why work there when I can work anywhere. So I’m at my desk once a week for my weekly meeting with my boss and fellow coworkers. 

Most mornings I work from a local coffee shop. I arrive at 8am and leave at noon.  I have my booth that I sit in, and the baristas check in on me frequently.  It’s to the point where if I’m not there for a day or two they ask if I was okay when I come back.  I’m known by my name and they start making my drink when I walk in the door. It’s comforting. 

My husband, who is a writer, comes with me. We enjoy our walk to the coffee shop, work on our own work, and then walk back home to enjoy lunch together.  

It’s a nice change of pace from my previous gig.  I should mention that I’m in education and was a classroom teacher for 12 years and I LOVED every minute of it. But… my freedom wasn’t in play. I had to be at work by x time, stay til x time and worked A LOT at home and on the weekends.  Now I develop the curriculum my department uses and the tests we use to assess our kids. I have freedom to devote time to my family, and work and not get stressed out. 

There are days were I miss the classroom, but that’s not very often. I love my freedom, and flexibility that this new job (that I’ve had for almost a year) holds. 

Today I worked on planning out teaching sequences for next year and have felt fulfilled and entergized today. 

Happy Friday!