*** Warning, I’m angry and when I’m angry I drop certain words, that some might not like. *** 

The rage that courses through my body this morning is great.  It started last night.  With a  simple conversation that I knew was going to enrage me once I got the full story.

Ties are being cut.  For good this time.  I don’t need the drama in my life.  I need the freedom from the weight that I carry about this friendship.  I’ve tolerated it long enough.  I cannot continue to let this negative force into my life.  Which sucks.  Because I didn’t see them as a negative force, until recently, when I started asking questions to myself.

How much of your friendship was based on truth, twisted truths, or straight up lies?

Does this person actually care about me, or was it all pretend?

I’m tried of excuses.  I’m tied of feeling like I’m the one that has done something wrong.  I’m tried of it all.

Here is my ultimate problem.  I can’t express what I want to express.  Because things I know, I’m not supposed to know, and I don’t want to get the other person who is also involved in trouble.  So in my head, I’ve cut ties, but I cannot give them my 100% wrath because of the implications involved.

This is the shit that I’m talking about.  Knowing something, myself having to pretend, because the other person doesn’t know I know.  It’s deceptive.  It’s hurtful and I don’t like having to be put into this position.  But WTF am I supposed to do?  I still deeply care about one person involved and do not want to lose them, but could give a rats ass about the other at this point.  But I have to continue as if nothing is wrong.

I don’t want complicated.  I don’t have time for that.

So the anger inside is building.  I’m starting boxing this week.  That is to help with my anger.  But in the mean time, I’m not sure how to get this anger to go the fuck away.

I slept like shit last night because in my dreams I just had the same thing happen over and over again.  Me telling this person off and getting closure.  But, I can’t do that.


Welcome to my anger.

The Pit in the Stomach

I haven’t felt worry or any anxiety for WEEKS now.  I’ve been feeling really good.  I’ve been focusing on work, and my family.  It’s been great.  The guilt hasn’t been there.  It’s been gone.

Until now.

Back in April, I wrote a post about a situation. I’ve long since moved pass it.  I finally came to grip with it.

Well, the wife of the couple sent me this message, after I asked if she was okay, because she told my husband she was having a bad state of depression.

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This leads me to believe that it has something to do with that situation, because this is what happened last time.

The pit came back, the fear that I’ve done something, but don’t know what it would be.  I’m so over this shit. The drama, the lying, the silence.

I don’t swing for the drama.  I swing for the fun.   As much as I have enjoyed being with the couple, the amount of drama they have brought into our life is insane.

I have a local guy… no drama there, just good ol’ fashioned booty calls.

I have a somewhat local girl… no drama there.

Why?  Because those two people are honest. My husband and I are honest.  We communicate honestly.

The communication between the husband and I has been slowing over the last few weeks.  And I can honestly say that I’m okay with losing him as a friend if he doesn’t want to be honest with me anymore.

So why does the pit in my stomach come, when I know that I didn’t do anything wrong? Because that’s what anxiety does. It takes over when it doesn’t have any business doing so.

I have the house to myself tonight.  My husband and son went camping.  I refuse to not let this ruin my evening.  I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet, I’m going to force that feeling to go away, because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Atlas No More

I am Atlas. I carry the weight of my friends and family on my back. I tend to their needs instead of my own. I make sure that everyone is happy. 

I cannot be Atlas anymore. Clearly, I want to help my closest friends and loved ones. But at some point I have to let that go. Otherwise my own happiness and needs get pushed to the side. 

I want to be Athena, minus the whole virgin thing. 

I’ve gotten clarity from my situation I blogged about before. I was right there was a shift in behaviors with me from my friend, but it was for my own good. They did not want to add to my already stressed life. There were good intentions, although poorly communicated, which has now been fixed. 

I feel better. I cannot continue to allow the anxiety to rule my life. It makes me feel like Atlas except I’m carrying the universe instead of the Earth. 

Starting today. I. Am. Athena.