Cutting Bonds

How do you easily cut certain bonds out of your life? How do you tell someone, lets just be friends and not something more? That’s my current struggle. I’m afraid that the friend part won’t stay. I’m afraid my husband will lose his partner in the process. But something has to give. 

I’m already in the friend zone from partner zone in my view point, but I can’t tell their view. We don’t make plans for hooking up, we casually chat about shit that doesn’t matter anymore. My husband is still as close to his partner as I was in the beginning, but things have changed. 

I’ve noticed a massive change in myself. Not always a good one, but I’m back to having some self esteem problems. Problems I haven’t had in a long time. I think because I spend too much time analyzing how people perceive me. And that has resulted in me serious slacking in the exercise department and eating healthy department. 

I need time to regroup. I need time to determine where I am in life. I need time to figure out how to break bonds that are going to be difficult to break. 

It makes me sad. The feeling of being replaced. The feeling of losing someone you’ve been intimate with. The emotions that come about when you connect with someone so profoundly similar to you. I’m at peace with this, but the feelings of sadness prevail.  Being ghosted for hours on end sometimes days without an explanation, and when I think I’ll do the same thing to them, I stop myself because that’s not me.  Letting something like that not eat away at you is damn hard. 

This is the hard part of swinging. There are people you connect with on just a sexual level. I have that, where it’s a booty text for some fun. But then, there are times when you develop a close connection both physically and emotionally. I have that with two of my partners. One male, one female. 

This leads me to believe that we are not meant to be with one person our whole life. I love my husband more than life itself. We’ve been together for almost 18 years, 12 of which married. But these connections with the other male and female is just as strong. There’s a different kind of love that I have for them.  I feel that love in return from the female. She has quickly become “my person.” We are both going through a lot, and can lean on each other even though we are hours away from each other. 

I felt that love and caring from my male partner at one point. But, it’s not there anymore. His wife assures me it is, but telling me and then me seeing it is different. So it’s time to determine my course of action. It’s time for me to say goodbye to that part of our relationship. 

Sanity 

Do you ever feel like your sanity is hanging on by a thread? At any moment the world “could” crumble and no one, except yourself, notices and sees it. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my shit together. 

A recap of what is causing my sanity to be on the verge of extinction. 

1. A close friend from back home sent me a text stated she was frustrated with her husband and his lack of help taking care of their 15 month old special needs child. How she has had to quit her job in order to take care of their son. Which, just to name a few things involves countless doctor appointments and fighting with insurance and medical billing companies. To which she states that “today is the day I am going to kill myself.” I find this text 30 minutes after she sent it, which put me into panic mode because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Finally she did, and tried to convince me it was a typo and she meant to say “bill herself” as in bill herself as a nurse would get paid.  That text was over a week ago, and it still has me worked up because I don’t think it was a mistake, and I’m 14 hours away and can’t help. 

2. I finally confronted another friend about how they had been treating me after having some liquid courage in the form of Whiskey and Peach flavored water.  It was months in the making and for whatever reason this past weekend, I pulled the bandaid and said my piece. He didn’t really respond so I went to bed angry and sad. Then to wake up to two very long text messages the next morning. Some of the things I stated were addressed, but not everything. He mentioned not liking the whole rehashing thing because it doesn’t solve anything. Which in my opinion basically means, don’t bring it up again. So there’s been no follow up on said conversation.  It’s been swept under the rug again… 

3. My husband has been “off” mentally for almost two weeks now and it has been causing me extra stress. He appears to be having manic episodes and I can’t help him. He says he feels disconnected from me and he can’t explain it.  It’s easy… you are never home, or if you are home, you are in your man cave working on stuff. We basically have hit roommate status and it sucks. Today, I actually feel the disconnect. I actually felt it yesterday when I told him I felt overwhelmed and needed some support and was told to let it go. No support. And I just felt it a few minutes ago when I said I needed a hug, a tight one, because I could feel the anxiety building, and I got a half-assed hug. Cue increase in anxiety. 

4. I’m basically being a single parent. Mad props to those of you that do this day in and day out, but I need a fucking break. I’m getting very little work done, which is a MAJOR problem, because I’m having to troubleshoot issues with my 9 year old. Who, by the way, spent two weeks recovering from a concussion and now has a major sunburn. My husband isn’t helping. Which makes me resent him and my son because I just need time alone. And I’m counting down the days until he goes back to stay with my folks for a month.

5. My leave for this week got revoked from work for a stupid ass reason and the days won’t carry over which means I lose them come July 1. 

Right now I’m waking on a spider web of sanity and it’s going to snap if something doesn’t give. 

Isolation

I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold. 

Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all. 

I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen? 

1 House. 2 Disorders

When one person has a mental disorder in your house, it’s difficult. When 2 people have two different mental disorders that makes it even tougher. 

I’ve been having really good days. And those days came to an end on Saturday and Sunday. My husband who has depression was having several off days. His depression was in full swing.  And that triggered my anxiety. I wasn’t sure how to help him. I didn’t know what to say. I just kept upsetting him. 

When he got out of the car for work Saturday, I started crying immediately when I turned the corner.  I cried the whole drive home.  When he gets that way, I don’t know how to help and it makes me worry which triggers the anxiety that he will do something stupid. 

Today, much better day. I helped him set up a new routine for writing and training in Jiu Jitsu. And he has been creative all day, so his mood is better. 

I handle my shit just fine when he is okay. But I still gotta learn how to handle it when he isn’t, so I don’t have a bad day too. 

Secrets and Lies

I know something I’m not supposed to know. And my world has shattered. It’s not about me or my husband but some close friends, and I’m worried on a variety of levels. 

Such secrets and lies hurt people. Not owning up and telling truth causes more deciet than anything else.

It is making me question every interaction, every conversation, and determine if it was sincere. 

I already am struggling on this level to an extent on people being sincere and honest, and now a major bomb was dropped into my reality. A bomb that is undeniably bad, but something that can be overcome with time. 

But do I want to take the time and overcome this and the hurt feelings? Do I wash my hands of it and count my loses? My husband who told me this afternoon has been supportive, has been understanding, has been my fucking rock because he understands how bad I would take the news. He knew not to wake me up last night and tell me. He knew not to tell me before I went into work because I have stuff to do. 

He was kind and waited until I could talk it out with him and address my feelings. He held me while I cried at the news and gave me space to process. 

Communication. We’ve built up this from our own secrets and lies. He knows me and I know him. 

Communication people. Be honest. Be truthful. Communicate.