I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold.
Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all.
I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen?
I’m spamming the blog today. But it’s okay. I need to get my thoughts out.
I went into “fuck it” mode after my last post. I’m going to have a good time even if my partner is being an ass. He’s sleeping, my husband and my partners wife are getting all dressed up and headed to a movie together, and I’m chilling like a villain enjoying a tasty adult beverage and watching my favorite baseball team. My son is in bed for the night, so some peace and quiet will be good for me.
I took out my frustrations earlier when we went to the gun range. That was a blast. It’s always nice to take some anxiety and frustration out on a paper target. My husband managed to take a decent picture of me firing one of the pistols.
My son was standing behind me yelling for headshots. He was pleased when I got a few.
I’m learning that my anxiety still can control me. But I am doing a better job of controlling it. Today has been a challenge because it’s trying to run my day, but I’m surviving and making the best of a crappy situation.