Sanity 

Do you ever feel like your sanity is hanging on by a thread? At any moment the world “could” crumble and no one, except yourself, notices and sees it. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my shit together. 

A recap of what is causing my sanity to be on the verge of extinction. 

1. A close friend from back home sent me a text stated she was frustrated with her husband and his lack of help taking care of their 15 month old special needs child. How she has had to quit her job in order to take care of their son. Which, just to name a few things involves countless doctor appointments and fighting with insurance and medical billing companies. To which she states that “today is the day I am going to kill myself.” I find this text 30 minutes after she sent it, which put me into panic mode because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Finally she did, and tried to convince me it was a typo and she meant to say “bill herself” as in bill herself as a nurse would get paid.  That text was over a week ago, and it still has me worked up because I don’t think it was a mistake, and I’m 14 hours away and can’t help. 

2. I finally confronted another friend about how they had been treating me after having some liquid courage in the form of Whiskey and Peach flavored water.  It was months in the making and for whatever reason this past weekend, I pulled the bandaid and said my piece. He didn’t really respond so I went to bed angry and sad. Then to wake up to two very long text messages the next morning. Some of the things I stated were addressed, but not everything. He mentioned not liking the whole rehashing thing because it doesn’t solve anything. Which in my opinion basically means, don’t bring it up again. So there’s been no follow up on said conversation.  It’s been swept under the rug again… 

3. My husband has been “off” mentally for almost two weeks now and it has been causing me extra stress. He appears to be having manic episodes and I can’t help him. He says he feels disconnected from me and he can’t explain it.  It’s easy… you are never home, or if you are home, you are in your man cave working on stuff. We basically have hit roommate status and it sucks. Today, I actually feel the disconnect. I actually felt it yesterday when I told him I felt overwhelmed and needed some support and was told to let it go. No support. And I just felt it a few minutes ago when I said I needed a hug, a tight one, because I could feel the anxiety building, and I got a half-assed hug. Cue increase in anxiety. 

4. I’m basically being a single parent. Mad props to those of you that do this day in and day out, but I need a fucking break. I’m getting very little work done, which is a MAJOR problem, because I’m having to troubleshoot issues with my 9 year old. Who, by the way, spent two weeks recovering from a concussion and now has a major sunburn. My husband isn’t helping. Which makes me resent him and my son because I just need time alone. And I’m counting down the days until he goes back to stay with my folks for a month.

5. My leave for this week got revoked from work for a stupid ass reason and the days won’t carry over which means I lose them come July 1. 

Right now I’m waking on a spider web of sanity and it’s going to snap if something doesn’t give. 

Isolation

I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold. 

Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all. 

I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen? 

Secrets and Lies

I know something I’m not supposed to know. And my world has shattered. It’s not about me or my husband but some close friends, and I’m worried on a variety of levels. 

Such secrets and lies hurt people. Not owning up and telling truth causes more deciet than anything else.

It is making me question every interaction, every conversation, and determine if it was sincere. 

I already am struggling on this level to an extent on people being sincere and honest, and now a major bomb was dropped into my reality. A bomb that is undeniably bad, but something that can be overcome with time. 

But do I want to take the time and overcome this and the hurt feelings? Do I wash my hands of it and count my loses? My husband who told me this afternoon has been supportive, has been understanding, has been my fucking rock because he understands how bad I would take the news. He knew not to wake me up last night and tell me. He knew not to tell me before I went into work because I have stuff to do. 

He was kind and waited until I could talk it out with him and address my feelings. He held me while I cried at the news and gave me space to process. 

Communication. We’ve built up this from our own secrets and lies. He knows me and I know him. 

Communication people. Be honest. Be truthful. Communicate. 

The Pit in the Stomach

I haven’t felt worry or any anxiety for WEEKS now.  I’ve been feeling really good.  I’ve been focusing on work, and my family.  It’s been great.  The guilt hasn’t been there.  It’s been gone.

Until now.

Back in April, I wrote a post about a situation. I’ve long since moved pass it.  I finally came to grip with it.

Well, the wife of the couple sent me this message, after I asked if she was okay, because she told my husband she was having a bad state of depression.

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This leads me to believe that it has something to do with that situation, because this is what happened last time.

The pit came back, the fear that I’ve done something, but don’t know what it would be.  I’m so over this shit. The drama, the lying, the silence.

I don’t swing for the drama.  I swing for the fun.   As much as I have enjoyed being with the couple, the amount of drama they have brought into our life is insane.

I have a local guy… no drama there, just good ol’ fashioned booty calls.

I have a somewhat local girl… no drama there.

Why?  Because those two people are honest. My husband and I are honest.  We communicate honestly.

The communication between the husband and I has been slowing over the last few weeks.  And I can honestly say that I’m okay with losing him as a friend if he doesn’t want to be honest with me anymore.

So why does the pit in my stomach come, when I know that I didn’t do anything wrong? Because that’s what anxiety does. It takes over when it doesn’t have any business doing so.

I have the house to myself tonight.  My husband and son went camping.  I refuse to not let this ruin my evening.  I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet, I’m going to force that feeling to go away, because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Adjusting Expectations

A quick note before bed. 

I’ve realized that as much as I want balance and harmony in the world, it won’t happen. 

People will disappoint me.

People will hurt me. 

Plans will not go off without a hitch. 

Things will fail. 

I’m still Atlas, wishing to be Athena. But, I’m adjusting my expectations to be lower than I hope because then I won’t get the disappointment. 

For example: 

1. I am going to assume, I won’t get time away that I need, so I shall start coping with that in my own way as much as possible getting me time in small chunks. 

2. I’m also assuming I won’t be seeing my best friend for a while because our schedules don’t line up very often and when they do, he doesn’t feel good…. I’m really starting to question if he actually is my best friend. That’s a whole other post.

If I adjust my expectations the result in a failure that could trigger my anxiety, anger, etc… should in theory be reduced. Do I like that I’m having to adjust my expectations? Hell, no! I wish I didn’t have to. I wish that everyone had the same work ethic, friendship values, etc that I have, but they don’t. So I am the flexible one. I will adjust.

Poor Sleep

Going to bed with anxiety, and sleeping poorly has caused the anxiety to be in full swing this morning.   My sleep 100% forms my day.  I did not get enough REM or Deep sleep last night.

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I’ve decided to go dark on my phone. I need to focus.  I’m struggling like none other.  I’m trying to push through.  I’m going to be brave, even if I don’t feel like it.  I’m going to try and make something out of this crazy anxiety feeling today.

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