What now?

Yesterday was a rough day.  I wrote about what I would say to my friend/partner about him removing me from his life without warning. 

By 12:30 yesterday I had an email from him giving me those reasons. I thought I could handle it. I thought getting closure would be it. But as I lay in a fancy hotel room my husband whisked me away to for the week to take my mind off it, I can’t stop thinking that the last time I saw my partner in April would be the last time. 

I have so much to say to him. So much to explain. I want one more time to say goodbye. But that won’t happen. He says I betrayed his trust because I said something in passing to his wife. Something I didn’t know was a secret.  When his wife asked me, did you know about X, I said yes and explained the conversation. She then went back and relayed it to him. How is that something I could have prevented? I believe in honesty, truth, and compassion. 

I’m trying. I really am to let him go. But how do you so easily let someone go that you let in? That you trusted? That you cared for? 

The pain I feel is real. I can only hold it in so much. I want to cry. I want to see him one more time to know that is the last time. I see things that I know he would find humorous but can’t send him.  But I can’t. 

So, I’m stuck faking it til I make it until the pain goes away. I just don’t know when that will be. 

Answers

Today I got solid, scientific evidence of what could be causing my anxiety and depression. 

To fully understand how I got these answers you have to know some background information. In Feb. 2015, I had my first complex migraine. The problem with this is that I was teaching when it happened. It started out by feeling really weak, dizzy, and sick to my stomach. I thought I that I needed something to eat because it was almost 11 and I hadn’t eaten. So I sent a student to the front office to purchase a snack for me to make it through the end of class. I finished that class and started my last class when I started seeing black dots and the light sensitive started. Thankfully this was my best class as I was giving the instructions for the day, I began to have difficulty figuring out what I wanted to say. Mind you, I had already done this 3 times prior. 

Within five minutes I was unable to articulate more than a few words at a time. I started texting (or attempting) to text my husband. A student went to get the principal while another student took my phone and called my husband and then two others helped me sit down and rest my head on the desk. All other students were silent. 

We only live a few minutes from where I teach, so my husband got there fast and rushed me to the ER. They believed I was having a mini stroke, I received several scans and loads of medication. The scans came back clean and they determine it was a complex migraine. For a three months I was having these almost every day. I stayed medicated with an OTC pain killer while I taight (no rest for the weary) and at night I took the good stuff and laid in the dark.  

While this was going on, I was also in the middle of a fertility treatment because we were trying to have a second child. I saw a specialist in May of 2015. Test were run and then was told they couldn’t give me any migraine meds because we were trying to have a child. And that was the end of that. Since then I’ve been very aware of my triggers and I only have one migraine maybe two a month, but never as bad as that first one. 

Fast forward to today when I say my PCP. I expressed all my feelings of sadness and depression that last month or so, and how I think I need an additional medicine for the depression. She started looking through my blood work and discovered the blood work from the doctor in 2015. They are in the same hospital network of doctors so all my records are shared between. 

She causally said something about “your gene mutation” and I stopped and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” She proceeded to tell me that the specialist in 2015 discovered I have a MTHFR gene mutation. That’s right that stupid abbreviation looks like Mother Fuck Gene Mutation. She said this explains all your problems. My jaw almost hit the floor. I have the A1298C mutation twice, and since it’s hereditary, one or both of my parents have it.  

Possible issues with this mutation include: 

  • Excessive tiredness (all day every day)
  • Anxiety (check)
  • Depression (check) 
  • Hypertension 
  • Migraines (check) 
  • Miscarriages (check)

I could continue with the list of problems this causes, but I won’t. 

Here within is the good and the bad news. It can be controlled because it targets and enzyme in your body thus you can take a prescription plus B-Complex to control it. Yeah for good news. BUT, there’s not a lot of scientific study on it because it is a somewhat new discovery. In fact, most of the information out there is on hipster homeopathic websites. Don’t get my wrong, I have zero problems, repeat ZERO PROBLEMS if that is your thing. Personally I like cold hard scientific data. Formal studies. 

We did more blood work to see my levels for the enzyme, she upped my meds dosage, and I go back in a month for the new course of treatment. 

It was a major relief to know it’s in the DNA and that is what is causing all my issues. Not that I’m lazy and lack motivation. My stupid genes are mutated. 

I did call my mom and tell her so she could get tested. That list of issues I stopped with, remember it’s much longer, and my mom has more of those, which leads me to believe I got this from her. 

Now I have hope again. Hope I can fix this. Hope that my problems will at least get smaller. They can’t ever go away. Again, it’s in my DNA.  But there’s hope. 

Angry Mom

Today is supposed to be a fun day. A day of celebration. But my mind is racing over this article I read last night. 

I cried for a long time. I don’t want to be that mom. I want to be the mom that doesn’t let her anxiety make her angry.  I’m so over stressed, so overworked, that the slightest thing will set me off. 

My husband and son had a boys night in the living room last night. I hung out in my sons room and watched TV. Until I found that article and then it was over. I couldn’t find anything to watch that satisfied me. I kept thinking about everyone not wanting to hang out with me because I change the vibe of any situation.  So I cried.  

I sent the article to my husband, who told me to come to the living room. He held me and I cried some more. I don’t want to be that person. He says that I’ve come along way in a short amount of time, and I still have growth to be made. That he is here for me. But I can’t stop thinking how many times when I snap for no reason he yells at me for making everything worse. 

Half the time I feel like a failure and guilt filled for things I have done or things I haven’t done. Not sure how to make that go away, when the anger rages inside and there’s no place for it to go. 

I’m trying my best today. I really am. My husband can see I’m still upset. He tells me everything is okay. It is, outside my head. But inside it’s pretty bad. I see my PCP tomorrow. I’m going to ask for antidepressants along with my anti-anxiety meds because I can’t take much more. 

I want to be happy. I want to make those around me happy. I want to feel like myself. And right now, I don’t feel like myself. 


If you are in the states, I hope you have a happy 4th. If you are elsewhere in the world, I hope you day is what you want it to be. 

Sanity 

Do you ever feel like your sanity is hanging on by a thread? At any moment the world “could” crumble and no one, except yourself, notices and sees it. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my shit together. 

A recap of what is causing my sanity to be on the verge of extinction. 

1. A close friend from back home sent me a text stated she was frustrated with her husband and his lack of help taking care of their 15 month old special needs child. How she has had to quit her job in order to take care of their son. Which, just to name a few things involves countless doctor appointments and fighting with insurance and medical billing companies. To which she states that “today is the day I am going to kill myself.” I find this text 30 minutes after she sent it, which put me into panic mode because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Finally she did, and tried to convince me it was a typo and she meant to say “bill herself” as in bill herself as a nurse would get paid.  That text was over a week ago, and it still has me worked up because I don’t think it was a mistake, and I’m 14 hours away and can’t help. 

2. I finally confronted another friend about how they had been treating me after having some liquid courage in the form of Whiskey and Peach flavored water.  It was months in the making and for whatever reason this past weekend, I pulled the bandaid and said my piece. He didn’t really respond so I went to bed angry and sad. Then to wake up to two very long text messages the next morning. Some of the things I stated were addressed, but not everything. He mentioned not liking the whole rehashing thing because it doesn’t solve anything. Which in my opinion basically means, don’t bring it up again. So there’s been no follow up on said conversation.  It’s been swept under the rug again… 

3. My husband has been “off” mentally for almost two weeks now and it has been causing me extra stress. He appears to be having manic episodes and I can’t help him. He says he feels disconnected from me and he can’t explain it.  It’s easy… you are never home, or if you are home, you are in your man cave working on stuff. We basically have hit roommate status and it sucks. Today, I actually feel the disconnect. I actually felt it yesterday when I told him I felt overwhelmed and needed some support and was told to let it go. No support. And I just felt it a few minutes ago when I said I needed a hug, a tight one, because I could feel the anxiety building, and I got a half-assed hug. Cue increase in anxiety. 

4. I’m basically being a single parent. Mad props to those of you that do this day in and day out, but I need a fucking break. I’m getting very little work done, which is a MAJOR problem, because I’m having to troubleshoot issues with my 9 year old. Who, by the way, spent two weeks recovering from a concussion and now has a major sunburn. My husband isn’t helping. Which makes me resent him and my son because I just need time alone. And I’m counting down the days until he goes back to stay with my folks for a month.

5. My leave for this week got revoked from work for a stupid ass reason and the days won’t carry over which means I lose them come July 1. 

Right now I’m waking on a spider web of sanity and it’s going to snap if something doesn’t give. 

Isolation

I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold. 

Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all. 

I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen? 

Secrets and Lies

I know something I’m not supposed to know. And my world has shattered. It’s not about me or my husband but some close friends, and I’m worried on a variety of levels. 

Such secrets and lies hurt people. Not owning up and telling truth causes more deciet than anything else.

It is making me question every interaction, every conversation, and determine if it was sincere. 

I already am struggling on this level to an extent on people being sincere and honest, and now a major bomb was dropped into my reality. A bomb that is undeniably bad, but something that can be overcome with time. 

But do I want to take the time and overcome this and the hurt feelings? Do I wash my hands of it and count my loses? My husband who told me this afternoon has been supportive, has been understanding, has been my fucking rock because he understands how bad I would take the news. He knew not to wake me up last night and tell me. He knew not to tell me before I went into work because I have stuff to do. 

He was kind and waited until I could talk it out with him and address my feelings. He held me while I cried at the news and gave me space to process. 

Communication. We’ve built up this from our own secrets and lies. He knows me and I know him. 

Communication people. Be honest. Be truthful. Communicate. 

The Pit in the Stomach

I haven’t felt worry or any anxiety for WEEKS now.  I’ve been feeling really good.  I’ve been focusing on work, and my family.  It’s been great.  The guilt hasn’t been there.  It’s been gone.

Until now.

Back in April, I wrote a post about a situation. I’ve long since moved pass it.  I finally came to grip with it.

Well, the wife of the couple sent me this message, after I asked if she was okay, because she told my husband she was having a bad state of depression.

Screen Shot 2017-05-29 at 5.50.39 PM

This leads me to believe that it has something to do with that situation, because this is what happened last time.

The pit came back, the fear that I’ve done something, but don’t know what it would be.  I’m so over this shit. The drama, the lying, the silence.

I don’t swing for the drama.  I swing for the fun.   As much as I have enjoyed being with the couple, the amount of drama they have brought into our life is insane.

I have a local guy… no drama there, just good ol’ fashioned booty calls.

I have a somewhat local girl… no drama there.

Why?  Because those two people are honest. My husband and I are honest.  We communicate honestly.

The communication between the husband and I has been slowing over the last few weeks.  And I can honestly say that I’m okay with losing him as a friend if he doesn’t want to be honest with me anymore.

So why does the pit in my stomach come, when I know that I didn’t do anything wrong? Because that’s what anxiety does. It takes over when it doesn’t have any business doing so.

I have the house to myself tonight.  My husband and son went camping.  I refuse to not let this ruin my evening.  I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet, I’m going to force that feeling to go away, because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.