Cutting Bonds

How do you easily cut certain bonds out of your life? How do you tell someone, lets just be friends and not something more? That’s my current struggle. I’m afraid that the friend part won’t stay. I’m afraid my husband will lose his partner in the process. But something has to give. 

I’m already in the friend zone from partner zone in my view point, but I can’t tell their view. We don’t make plans for hooking up, we casually chat about shit that doesn’t matter anymore. My husband is still as close to his partner as I was in the beginning, but things have changed. 

I’ve noticed a massive change in myself. Not always a good one, but I’m back to having some self esteem problems. Problems I haven’t had in a long time. I think because I spend too much time analyzing how people perceive me. And that has resulted in me serious slacking in the exercise department and eating healthy department. 

I need time to regroup. I need time to determine where I am in life. I need time to figure out how to break bonds that are going to be difficult to break. 

It makes me sad. The feeling of being replaced. The feeling of losing someone you’ve been intimate with. The emotions that come about when you connect with someone so profoundly similar to you. I’m at peace with this, but the feelings of sadness prevail.  Being ghosted for hours on end sometimes days without an explanation, and when I think I’ll do the same thing to them, I stop myself because that’s not me.  Letting something like that not eat away at you is damn hard. 

This is the hard part of swinging. There are people you connect with on just a sexual level. I have that, where it’s a booty text for some fun. But then, there are times when you develop a close connection both physically and emotionally. I have that with two of my partners. One male, one female. 

This leads me to believe that we are not meant to be with one person our whole life. I love my husband more than life itself. We’ve been together for almost 18 years, 12 of which married. But these connections with the other male and female is just as strong. There’s a different kind of love that I have for them.  I feel that love in return from the female. She has quickly become “my person.” We are both going through a lot, and can lean on each other even though we are hours away from each other. 

I felt that love and caring from my male partner at one point. But, it’s not there anymore. His wife assures me it is, but telling me and then me seeing it is different. So it’s time to determine my course of action. It’s time for me to say goodbye to that part of our relationship. 

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