The Pit in the Stomach

I haven’t felt worry or any anxiety for WEEKS now.  I’ve been feeling really good.  I’ve been focusing on work, and my family.  It’s been great.  The guilt hasn’t been there.  It’s been gone.

Until now.

Back in April, I wrote a post about a situation. I’ve long since moved pass it.  I finally came to grip with it.

Well, the wife of the couple sent me this message, after I asked if she was okay, because she told my husband she was having a bad state of depression.

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This leads me to believe that it has something to do with that situation, because this is what happened last time.

The pit came back, the fear that I’ve done something, but don’t know what it would be.  I’m so over this shit. The drama, the lying, the silence.

I don’t swing for the drama.  I swing for the fun.   As much as I have enjoyed being with the couple, the amount of drama they have brought into our life is insane.

I have a local guy… no drama there, just good ol’ fashioned booty calls.

I have a somewhat local girl… no drama there.

Why?  Because those two people are honest. My husband and I are honest.  We communicate honestly.

The communication between the husband and I has been slowing over the last few weeks.  And I can honestly say that I’m okay with losing him as a friend if he doesn’t want to be honest with me anymore.

So why does the pit in my stomach come, when I know that I didn’t do anything wrong? Because that’s what anxiety does. It takes over when it doesn’t have any business doing so.

I have the house to myself tonight.  My husband and son went camping.  I refuse to not let this ruin my evening.  I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet, I’m going to force that feeling to go away, because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Curious

I’ve never been a cat person. I’ve always been a dog person. Don’t get me wrong, I liked cats, but their attitudes are fickle, lol. 

For almost a year and a half, we’ve been feeding a neighborhood cat. She was a kitten, and very feral. We, my neighbor at the time, and I managed to catch the mom, the kittens, and the dad around Thanksgiving 2015. They were fixed and brought back to the house. Since then one of the kittens and the mom have been hanging around the house.  

The kitten, which we’ve named Curious, has become very domesticated. She spends a lot of time inside the house now. I’ve spoiled her with toys and a comfy bed.  I’ve been trying to get her to use the litter box but haven’t had luck. When she needs to go, she goes to do the door and meows. Then she will come back a few hours later. 

She’s very sweet and loving, and when I’m having a bad day, she makes it better.  

I’ve been converted to a cat person, at least with this cat. 

Groove Back

I’ve been off for a while now.  I don’t mean “off” as in from work.  I mean off has in my productivity level, my overall mental health, and relationships with other people.

This week, I feel like my groove is coming back, but even more so today.  I felt like I took the day by the balls, so to speak, and made it my own.

I have a MAJOR deadline coming up on Friday for work.  This deadline has been looming over me since March (I believe).   This deadline has the following things due.

  • Scope and Sequence (the day to day objectives for my teachers to teach next year) for grades 3 – 6
    • Example of what one of these looks likeScreen Shot 2017-05-17 at 9.32.54 PM
    • So picture this for every day there is a lesson to be taught.  To be exact there’s 105 per grade for next year.  Those have been done for a few weeks now.
  • All Benchmark assessments for the entire year.  5 per grade level.  These are not an easy thing to due.   I couldn’t even start these until the Scopes and Sequences were finished.  Once those were finished, I had to fill out this tab, on the same document that is pictured aboveScreen Shot 2017-05-17 at 9.34.22 PM
    • You can see that as the tests go into the year, they get longer as the year goes.  These are the same type of history tests we took as kids either.  They are tough and massive, and not by my choice.  I go by the requirement of the state.

That being said, I have completed all of the Scopes and Sequences for grades 3-8, and all of my assessments for 3-7.  I should note that Grades 6 and 7, do not have Benchmark 5 in my networks system yet, because they are a state released test, so I don’t have to have those in there, but they are formatted and ready to go.  The same will happen with 8th grade.

I’m sitting at 2 days to basically write 4 tests, and then I’m done with them.  They are considered “Draft” forms until my teachers vet them throughout the year next year, but they are off my back.

I’ve spent the last few weeks working from home, because the amount of space I needed to spread out while working on these tests.  This has been nice, because when I need a brain break, I can do random stuff around the house that I wouldn’t normally be able to do if I was at the office or another location.

So today, when I needed a break from the computer, I completed all of mine and my husband’s laundry (including folded and put away), the towels (folded and put away), washed our sheets and blanket and remade the bed.  Swept my living room, kitchen, and bedroom (gotta love hardwood floors), and then went over them with hardwood floor cleaner.

Needles to say, I feel accomplished today.  I feel like I’m sitting good coming in to this deadline that has been a major stressor for me for weeks.  Unsure if I was going to get it done because I have been so mentally off.

Since I made that post the other day about lower my expectations, it has helped tremendously.  I’m assuming that I just need to do it myself and not rely on someone else. Which at times can suck, but I also know that if I do it, it will get done and I can rest easier.

Let’s hope I can keep this momentum going, because I feel like myself.  I feel like my nickname that my coworkers have given me, “The Beast.”  And I haven’t felt like that for a very long time.

Today, this was me!

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Adjusting Expectations

A quick note before bed. 

I’ve realized that as much as I want balance and harmony in the world, it won’t happen. 

People will disappoint me.

People will hurt me. 

Plans will not go off without a hitch. 

Things will fail. 

I’m still Atlas, wishing to be Athena. But, I’m adjusting my expectations to be lower than I hope because then I won’t get the disappointment. 

For example: 

1. I am going to assume, I won’t get time away that I need, so I shall start coping with that in my own way as much as possible getting me time in small chunks. 

2. I’m also assuming I won’t be seeing my best friend for a while because our schedules don’t line up very often and when they do, he doesn’t feel good…. I’m really starting to question if he actually is my best friend. That’s a whole other post.

If I adjust my expectations the result in a failure that could trigger my anxiety, anger, etc… should in theory be reduced. Do I like that I’m having to adjust my expectations? Hell, no! I wish I didn’t have to. I wish that everyone had the same work ethic, friendship values, etc that I have, but they don’t. So I am the flexible one. I will adjust.

Atlas No More

I am Atlas. I carry the weight of my friends and family on my back. I tend to their needs instead of my own. I make sure that everyone is happy. 

I cannot be Atlas anymore. Clearly, I want to help my closest friends and loved ones. But at some point I have to let that go. Otherwise my own happiness and needs get pushed to the side. 

I want to be Athena, minus the whole virgin thing. 

I’ve gotten clarity from my situation I blogged about before. I was right there was a shift in behaviors with me from my friend, but it was for my own good. They did not want to add to my already stressed life. There were good intentions, although poorly communicated, which has now been fixed. 

I feel better. I cannot continue to allow the anxiety to rule my life. It makes me feel like Atlas except I’m carrying the universe instead of the Earth. 

Starting today. I. Am. Athena.