What I Want to Say

I’ve made several posts about losing a friend. It’s official now. That person is not in my life.  Without any answers on their part, I’m left with great amounts of hurt, disbelief, and sadness.  

Against my better judgement, I texted yesterday afternoon. You see, I had been ghosted without reason. Texts of excitement I sent over passing a major exam for my field of work, went up unnoticed, unrecognized.  I knew when I sent this last text that would be it. But I needed to send it. 

I could have made this very mean and harsh. But I was honest and to the point. As of this morning, no response. That is the closure I needed. I still have so much to say to them. So I decided to write it here. 

I read an article the other day about the types of people who come into your life. Two of those stand out to me. The long-haul and the for a short time. 

When we met, it was like having someone that understood my issues with how my brain works.  We joked so many times that I was the female version of you and vice versa.  I shared my inner most demons with you and trusted you and valued your opinion more that you will ever know.  You told me that you cared about me, you said you worried about me, these statements put you in the “long-haul” friendship category and evidently you became my best friend. 

Now I’m letting questioning all those late night talks about life, about work, and school and if you ever truly cared about me the way you said you did. 

You changed my life. You helped push me in ways that I didn’t know I needed to be pushed.  You told me everything would be okay when I started therapy that it’s a healing process. You reassured me multiple times after you thought I betrayed your trust that you weren’t going anywhere, that you would always be my friend.  

But things have changed. You no longer, it would appear, want me in your life. You stopped confiding in me and built a wall around yourself, and tried to convince me it wasn’t there.  But it’s there, and I’m walled out without an explanation for you. 

In all honesty you don’t need to explain yourself to me, but as someone whom I trusted and cared for deeply, it is owed to me the reason to which you suddenly decided to leave my life, without warning. 

That is the part that hurts the most. There was no warning. As I look back on the last 4 months, I can see the slow build to this, but I thought there was still time to repair whatever was broken. But there’s not. 

I’ve cried over you. I’ve cried over losing our friendship. I’ve cried over losing my best friend, and someone I thought who would be in my life for the long haul. Part of me still wants to believe that. That you are going through something that you don’t want help with, and I understand that. However, the way you’ve treated me the last few months is not how you treat friends. 

I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. When you are ready.  But I now know that you may never be ready and that I’ve lost you. 

I want to thank you for being there for me over the last year with all of my problems you’ve helped me through. I want to thank you for showing kindness to my son and all the gifts you bought him.  I don’t want to believe you were put into my life for a short term to help me through my problems, but that’s what it appears to be. 

I’m truly sorry if I did something to cause this. I’ve thought for weeks now what I did to cause this. And to be honest, I don’t know.  You stopped trusting me in March. That was the stepping point, and again you told me time and time again we were okay, and that you believed me. 

I could dwell on all the negative things and the hurt you have now brought into my life.  Instead, I’m going to think about the good times we’ve had.  All the movies we watched together, the gun range, long talks well into the night, hours of time spent playing video games with me and teaching me how to play games that require two thumb sticks. The gifts you bought me that were so perfect.  I will cherish those memories. 

I miss you. I wish I knew why things are what they are. But thank you for all the wonderful things you did help me with in this short amount of time we’ve known each other. 

Cutting Bonds

How do you easily cut certain bonds out of your life? How do you tell someone, lets just be friends and not something more? That’s my current struggle. I’m afraid that the friend part won’t stay. I’m afraid my husband will lose his partner in the process. But something has to give. 

I’m already in the friend zone from partner zone in my view point, but I can’t tell their view. We don’t make plans for hooking up, we casually chat about shit that doesn’t matter anymore. My husband is still as close to his partner as I was in the beginning, but things have changed. 

I’ve noticed a massive change in myself. Not always a good one, but I’m back to having some self esteem problems. Problems I haven’t had in a long time. I think because I spend too much time analyzing how people perceive me. And that has resulted in me serious slacking in the exercise department and eating healthy department. 

I need time to regroup. I need time to determine where I am in life. I need time to figure out how to break bonds that are going to be difficult to break. 

It makes me sad. The feeling of being replaced. The feeling of losing someone you’ve been intimate with. The emotions that come about when you connect with someone so profoundly similar to you. I’m at peace with this, but the feelings of sadness prevail.  Being ghosted for hours on end sometimes days without an explanation, and when I think I’ll do the same thing to them, I stop myself because that’s not me.  Letting something like that not eat away at you is damn hard. 

This is the hard part of swinging. There are people you connect with on just a sexual level. I have that, where it’s a booty text for some fun. But then, there are times when you develop a close connection both physically and emotionally. I have that with two of my partners. One male, one female. 

This leads me to believe that we are not meant to be with one person our whole life. I love my husband more than life itself. We’ve been together for almost 18 years, 12 of which married. But these connections with the other male and female is just as strong. There’s a different kind of love that I have for them.  I feel that love in return from the female. She has quickly become “my person.” We are both going through a lot, and can lean on each other even though we are hours away from each other. 

I felt that love and caring from my male partner at one point. But, it’s not there anymore. His wife assures me it is, but telling me and then me seeing it is different. So it’s time to determine my course of action. It’s time for me to say goodbye to that part of our relationship. 

Secrets and Lies

I know something I’m not supposed to know. And my world has shattered. It’s not about me or my husband but some close friends, and I’m worried on a variety of levels. 

Such secrets and lies hurt people. Not owning up and telling truth causes more deciet than anything else.

It is making me question every interaction, every conversation, and determine if it was sincere. 

I already am struggling on this level to an extent on people being sincere and honest, and now a major bomb was dropped into my reality. A bomb that is undeniably bad, but something that can be overcome with time. 

But do I want to take the time and overcome this and the hurt feelings? Do I wash my hands of it and count my loses? My husband who told me this afternoon has been supportive, has been understanding, has been my fucking rock because he understands how bad I would take the news. He knew not to wake me up last night and tell me. He knew not to tell me before I went into work because I have stuff to do. 

He was kind and waited until I could talk it out with him and address my feelings. He held me while I cried at the news and gave me space to process. 

Communication. We’ve built up this from our own secrets and lies. He knows me and I know him. 

Communication people. Be honest. Be truthful. Communicate. 

Atlas No More

I am Atlas. I carry the weight of my friends and family on my back. I tend to their needs instead of my own. I make sure that everyone is happy. 

I cannot be Atlas anymore. Clearly, I want to help my closest friends and loved ones. But at some point I have to let that go. Otherwise my own happiness and needs get pushed to the side. 

I want to be Athena, minus the whole virgin thing. 

I’ve gotten clarity from my situation I blogged about before. I was right there was a shift in behaviors with me from my friend, but it was for my own good. They did not want to add to my already stressed life. There were good intentions, although poorly communicated, which has now been fixed. 

I feel better. I cannot continue to allow the anxiety to rule my life. It makes me feel like Atlas except I’m carrying the universe instead of the Earth. 

Starting today. I. Am. Athena.