It’s Been Awhile

I realized today that I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to update my blog in awhile.  I guess this is a good thing.  That means nothing earth shattering has happened.

This is true to an extent.  This past week, my charter network started the end of year testing for grades 5-8.  This is an online test, we’ve been preparing for all year.  Its the first year of it being online.  Monday, of course, had it’s glitches, but it was the first day, so it was to be expected.  Tuesday was great, however, Wednesday was a disaster.  In order to be an online test one must have internet.  When the internet goes down for an entire network, no testing can take place. I felt bad for the kids, they had to sit in their testing rooms for 2 hours, hoping it would come back on so they could finish up their ELA test, but it did not, so everything had to be pushed back a day.  This in result created a larger problem, because we did not include any buffer days in our testing schedule. Which is something that the network now realizes for making it’s testing schedule for next year.   That was really the biggest issue that I had this week.  I managed to pull 80 flights of stairs at the school I was supporting this week.

I did have a major AHA moment this week. I realized that the song 46 & 2 by Tool is an excellent example of what I’m trying to do with my life. I will link in a video with the lyric below.  I’m supposed to journal about my shadow before my therapy session tomorrow.   My therapist wants to know what I think my shadow is now, and what I want it to be.  I’ll probably do a blog post about it.  I want to really look at each line of the song and figure out how it relates to me and the journey that I’m currently undergoing.   I’ve discovered some things about myself lately, and I’ll post more about that when I do my shadow post.

Here is the video for the song.  I like this one for a variety of reasons, because it explains about the shadow and it gives you the lyrics along with it.

5 New Reasons

This weekend was full of ups and downs, much like the week leading up to it was.  

Friday was the highlight of the week with Date night and a hotel room with my husband. It was very much needed on a variety of levels. 

Saturday was a whole different ballgame. I kept messing up and making poor choices with timing of asking questions, to which upset my husband greatly.  That night I was to stay at my best friend’s house and watch her little girl so she could have a similar night with her husband to celebrate her birthday.  My husband decided not to join us because in his words I was suffocating him and he needed space. Point taken, feelings hurt, but fine. 

I then get a text from him later saying that a girl is coming over and wanted to make sure I was okay with that.  Honestly, I wasn’t but I knew he needed time to regroup away from me, so I agreed.  

When I got home yesterday morning he immediately appoligized for the way he treated me and that he over reacted.  I told him he hurt my feelings with the suffocation comment, and he said that it was just angry and upset.  He then made the sweetest comment to me. 

He said, ” Anytime I spend the night with someone other than you, I realize at least 5 new things I love about you. You feel right. You make me whole.”  

After 17 years together we might drive each other crazy at times. Outside parties might now understand our open marriage, but it’s what makes us unique. It’s what makes me know that he is the man I love and who I’m supposed to be with.  He feels right with me.  

We had friends over last night who are dating, have been for almost a year. They give us crap about how “lovey dovey” we are, constantly kissing and cuddling, etc. Thats what love is. Despite its clear ups and downs, it’s sticking it through and being happy and going to the ends of the universe for them. 

I sent this to my husband yesterday while he was at work.  The love and desire I have for him grows every day. 

What a Week

This has been an insane week.  After getting sick on Monday, the antibiotics they gave me made my anxiety worse.  Evidently one of the side effects of the medication is increased anxiety and depression.  Why am ER doctor that has my medical history and can see I’m on anti-anxiety drugs put me on a medication with those side effects is beyond me. 

Wednesday I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t think of anyone that knew how I truly felt, and I felt 100% alone.  Even though I had my support system in place, I couldn’t feel it. 

Yesterday was better. I realized that the meds were causing my anxiety so I tried to stay on top of it.  By last night I felt good and level headed. 

I have therapy today, and am looking forward to it because of the week I’ve had.  I’ve been in contact with her all week via email, and today might be the day where I break down with everything. 

I’ve cried so much this week that I became numb at one point. I couldn’t see a reason to do anything. I wanted to be left alone. Not touched. I lost joy in the things I enjoy doing.  I felt like this: 


Today I feel good. 

Today I will make progress on my work. 

Today will be a good day. 

Today I will focus on this:

I’m Tired

I want to cry.

No I want to scream and cry.

No one understands what it’s like to be me.  Not even my best friend or my husband.  I want to cry all the time.

I’m tired of disappointments.

I’m tried of no one understanding me.

I’m tired of no one seeing how overworked and stressed out I am.

I’m tried of being under appreciated.

I’m tired of putting everyone’s needs in front of my own.

I’m tired of feeling alone.

I’m tired of not having support system.

I’m tired of suppressing my emotions.

I’m tired.

I’m exhausted.

I want to run away and let the chaos ensue.

Lazy

I feel so lazy.  I know that I’m sick and my body needs to heal, but I hate laying around not doing anything.  Which is basically what I’ve been doing since yesterday afternoon.  I was feeling good last night, but when I woke up this morning, I was feeling worse.  The good meds from the ER had worn off, so I was left feeling all the cramping and pain again.

I’m trying to do something to be productive.  I’m falling behind with work and school, which is only going to stress me out and make the anxiety come in full force.  So what did I do that was productive? I dusted my living room.  Not exactly what I needed to do, but the sight of clean bookshelves and entertainment cabinet makes me feel better.

I have a follow up tomorrow and I hope she gives me some meds for the cramping because that needs to go away.  I can deal with the constant nausea but the cramping and sharp pains in my stomach and lower abdomen really get me.

Still not sure how I got this insane infection, but it needs to go away quickly.  I don’t need to be sick.

Mildly Okay

Today has been a weird day.

Last week was fun, despite my few moments of anxiety filled thoughts.  Spending time with my kiddo is always good, but you get to that point where the question “when does school start again” pops in every hour on the hour.

We got home yesterday and I made quick work of getting laundry washed and put away. Around 11:30 I started having the worst abdominal pain ever. I was up most of the night but by the time my alarm went off, I felt slightly better.  Got my kid up and dressed for school.  As we get ready to walk out the door to go to the bus I asked what he wanted to bring for his snack day thefollowing day.

It’s at this point that he stops in his tracks as says, today was my snack day.  We get into a discussion about the correct day for his snack. He produces a note and I state that the date is tomorrow.  And then this comes out of his “my teacher said my snack day was the day we come back from spring break.”

Four letter words enter my brain at this point as I’m frantically looking up the school calendar online. Sure enough, he has the day off from school.  We proceed back into the house where I tell him to go play until it’s time to leave for the coffee shop. Which he LOVES to go to because he gets to play on his computer while I sit and write.

We finally make it to the coffee shop and I’m not there an hour when my stomach starts at it again, but way worse and new symptoms start to show up.  My husband decides that it’s best to go to the ER.  Where I spend the next four hours freezing in a paper thin gown asking for new blankets as I feel liquid go into my arm from the IV.

After blood work, multiple scans and exams, they ruled out the following issues: gallbladder, ulcer, and appendix.  So they send me home with an antibiotic for some sort of infection in my intestines.

Now during this time, my anxiety is taking over. I, of course, googled my symptoms and just knew it was going to result in a surgery of some type and that I didn’t have time to be down right now. I’ve got tickets to see my favorite comic this Friday, I can’t miss that!

I was proud of myself for despite being utterly anxiety filled and scared that I didn’t have a mental break. I stayed steady. My husband, as with all men (sorry men readers, but it’s true), was pacing in the waiting room because our son wasn’t allowed to the back.  Once I suggested that he should take him home and get him settled there and then come back to the hospital. He’s old enough to stay home alone and he can play the Xbox.

Once I was discharged with meds I came home and slept the rest of the day and ate a little food.

I’m feeling better, and I used some herbs to help dull the pain and nausea.  I’m enjoying the sounds of Lord Huron on my phone on my back porch while I type this.

I feel at peace, despite the physical pain. So I’m mildly okay in the sense that my brain feels good, and my body okay.

Enjoy my sounds of the evening.

Self Assessment

I’m spamming the blog today.  But it’s okay. I need to get my thoughts out. 

I went into “fuck it” mode after my last post.  I’m going to have a good time even if my partner is being an ass.  He’s sleeping, my husband and my partners wife are getting all dressed up and headed to a movie together, and I’m chilling like a villain enjoying a tasty adult beverage and watching my favorite baseball team. My son is in bed for the night, so some peace and quiet will be good for me. 

I took out my frustrations earlier when we went to the gun range. That was a blast. It’s always nice to take some anxiety and frustration out on a paper target.  My husband managed to take a decent picture of me firing one of the pistols. 


My son was standing behind me yelling for headshots. He was pleased when I got a few. 

I’m learning that my anxiety still can control me. But I am doing a better job of controlling it.  Today has been a challenge because it’s trying to run my day, but I’m surviving and making the best of a crappy situation.