Angry Mom

Today is supposed to be a fun day. A day of celebration. But my mind is racing over this article I read last night. 

I cried for a long time. I don’t want to be that mom. I want to be the mom that doesn’t let her anxiety make her angry.  I’m so over stressed, so overworked, that the slightest thing will set me off. 

My husband and son had a boys night in the living room last night. I hung out in my sons room and watched TV. Until I found that article and then it was over. I couldn’t find anything to watch that satisfied me. I kept thinking about everyone not wanting to hang out with me because I change the vibe of any situation.  So I cried.  

I sent the article to my husband, who told me to come to the living room. He held me and I cried some more. I don’t want to be that person. He says that I’ve come along way in a short amount of time, and I still have growth to be made. That he is here for me. But I can’t stop thinking how many times when I snap for no reason he yells at me for making everything worse. 

Half the time I feel like a failure and guilt filled for things I have done or things I haven’t done. Not sure how to make that go away, when the anger rages inside and there’s no place for it to go. 

I’m trying my best today. I really am. My husband can see I’m still upset. He tells me everything is okay. It is, outside my head. But inside it’s pretty bad. I see my PCP tomorrow. I’m going to ask for antidepressants along with my anti-anxiety meds because I can’t take much more. 

I want to be happy. I want to make those around me happy. I want to feel like myself. And right now, I don’t feel like myself. 


If you are in the states, I hope you have a happy 4th. If you are elsewhere in the world, I hope you day is what you want it to be. 

Sanity 

Do you ever feel like your sanity is hanging on by a thread? At any moment the world “could” crumble and no one, except yourself, notices and sees it. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my shit together. 

A recap of what is causing my sanity to be on the verge of extinction. 

1. A close friend from back home sent me a text stated she was frustrated with her husband and his lack of help taking care of their 15 month old special needs child. How she has had to quit her job in order to take care of their son. Which, just to name a few things involves countless doctor appointments and fighting with insurance and medical billing companies. To which she states that “today is the day I am going to kill myself.” I find this text 30 minutes after she sent it, which put me into panic mode because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Finally she did, and tried to convince me it was a typo and she meant to say “bill herself” as in bill herself as a nurse would get paid.  That text was over a week ago, and it still has me worked up because I don’t think it was a mistake, and I’m 14 hours away and can’t help. 

2. I finally confronted another friend about how they had been treating me after having some liquid courage in the form of Whiskey and Peach flavored water.  It was months in the making and for whatever reason this past weekend, I pulled the bandaid and said my piece. He didn’t really respond so I went to bed angry and sad. Then to wake up to two very long text messages the next morning. Some of the things I stated were addressed, but not everything. He mentioned not liking the whole rehashing thing because it doesn’t solve anything. Which in my opinion basically means, don’t bring it up again. So there’s been no follow up on said conversation.  It’s been swept under the rug again… 

3. My husband has been “off” mentally for almost two weeks now and it has been causing me extra stress. He appears to be having manic episodes and I can’t help him. He says he feels disconnected from me and he can’t explain it.  It’s easy… you are never home, or if you are home, you are in your man cave working on stuff. We basically have hit roommate status and it sucks. Today, I actually feel the disconnect. I actually felt it yesterday when I told him I felt overwhelmed and needed some support and was told to let it go. No support. And I just felt it a few minutes ago when I said I needed a hug, a tight one, because I could feel the anxiety building, and I got a half-assed hug. Cue increase in anxiety. 

4. I’m basically being a single parent. Mad props to those of you that do this day in and day out, but I need a fucking break. I’m getting very little work done, which is a MAJOR problem, because I’m having to troubleshoot issues with my 9 year old. Who, by the way, spent two weeks recovering from a concussion and now has a major sunburn. My husband isn’t helping. Which makes me resent him and my son because I just need time alone. And I’m counting down the days until he goes back to stay with my folks for a month.

5. My leave for this week got revoked from work for a stupid ass reason and the days won’t carry over which means I lose them come July 1. 

Right now I’m waking on a spider web of sanity and it’s going to snap if something doesn’t give. 

Isolation

I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold. 

Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all. 

I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen? 

Sounding Board

The second weekend of March, I was accused of something that I did not do.  This “thing” 6 weeks later is still bothering me and causing much of my anxiety.  I need to have a difficult conversation with someone that is near and dear to me, but I’m struggling with how and if I should even do it.  It’s not really the if, I know I should.  But it is terrifying me to bring it back up.  Because the other parties involved have moved on, and I’m still latching.

To get the full understanding of this I might need to back up.  My husband and I have been together for 17 years.  We are high school sweet hearts.  It’s rare.  That type of thing doesn’t usually last.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our lows.  And they were pretty low within a few years of getting married.  We both had affairs, we worked through our problems, and became this really strong unit.

In January of 2016 we started having an open relationship.  We had played around with this early in our marriage, but clearly we weren’t ready for it.  We both love each other, and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but realize that we both have different needs and wants in our sexual lives.  Now this could be, because like I said, we’ve been together since high school.  We never really dated anyone else. Even with my affair, I could never bring myself to sleep with the guy, because it was the ultimate betrayal in my book.  That’s a topic for another post, I’m losing sight of what I had in mind for this post.

We set rules with the open relationship.  And these rules have worked.  We’ve been going now for over a year, and having a blast.  We’ve meet some awesome people, and some not so awesome people.  But one couple we met up with, we really hit it off.   We “met” last May, and I use “met” because we chatted  for months, before we could get our schedule to sync up.  We finally got together in July of last year and have become more than just partners.  We’ve developed an interesting dynamic between the four of us.  I’m very much like the husband with a touch of the wife, and my husband is very much like the other couples wife. When can hang out for hours on end having a good time, no weirdness between anyone. Honestly, we’ve all become best friends.  This is not the case with the other couples and/or single people we hook up with.  For lack of a better term, the other couples and single people are basically booty calls.

So back to what happened.  In September I was introduced to the husband’s best friend. With strict instructions not to mention anything about swinging.  I totally agreed because not a lot of friends and none of our family knows that we do that.  Well the best friend put the pieces together, on his own, from conversations I had with him, and slips of the tongue from the wife of the other couple.  Here within lies the issue, the best friend is bad mouthing my partner.  Saying all these things that I told him, none of which I did, to the point with my partner confronted me about it and felt betrayed.  Which, I would too in that situation. Needless to say, I was in a very bad place in my head for a long time, because I felt attacked by everyone.  My husband and the other couple.  When I never said anything to the best friend about swinging.

As far as my husband and my partner are concerned I’ve worked through the hurt and betrayal that I felt. The wife knows that isn’t the case because we talk about it and how it was handled, and she feels incredibly bad for it.  I haven’t had closure, nor have I seen them, since this happened.  We live hours apart and only get together once a month, twice if we can make it happen.  I had a conversation with the wife today about it, because she’s become my closest girlfriend.  She also struggles with depression and anxiety, so she understands where I’m coming from.

I don’t think I can move on from this until I come clean about how hurt I was for how it was handled. I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation to have and its scary to me to do it.  I’ve basically got it down to two options:

Option 1: Have the conversation via text or email

Pro:  I can get out what I need to say without looking like an insane crazy person crying “ugly tears”

Con: I can’t see his reaction.  Leaves me inferring his tone when he replies.

Option 2: Have the conversation in person

Pro:  I can read his reactions, hear his voice and make rational interpretations of his response.

Con: I’m going to struggle to keep my emotions in check because it’s not an easy thing to talk about.

We are leaving on Monday for Spring Break.  Part of our trip involves staying with them for several days.  Our son loves them, and they love him.  So all parties are excited to see everyone.  But I have a sense of dread and doom because I know I NEED to have this conversation and I can’t move on until I do.

But it’s like beating a dead horse at this point. Everyone else is over it.  I’m not.  It’s my name that is being bad mouthed.  It’s my relationship with the husband that almost got ruined.  I should mention that the best friend HAS NO CLUE that the couple knows he is bad mouthing them, and they intend to keep it that way.  They have been hearing it from other people.

I feel like seeing him will help bring closure, but I can’t be sure.  I should have been honest with him when it happened with how much I was hurt in all of this, and still being hurt to this day.  But I didn’t, and I can’t go back in time to do that. He continues to tell me that he is not upset with me, that he’s not mad at me and that everything is fine.  But I don’t feel that way.  I still feel like it’s an open wound that refuses to close and heal.

I need help to figure out the best way to handle this.  I cannot continue to suppress this.  I have to get this taken care of before it eats anymore of my soul away with guilt and anxiety.

Guilt

In therapy today we talked about my overwhelming and constant guilt.  She’s charged me with figuring out what I get out of the guilt.  

It’s hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. That’s there is something gratifying about feeling constant guilt. 

Sunday the guilt was bad. Sunday was just a bad day in general, but the guilt is constant. While sitting on the back porch I had a text conversation with my best friend.  He knows my brain and how it works. This is part of our conversation. 



He helped me to see that my brain has been wired and filled with anxiety, guilt, and frustration for my whole life.  I’ve been on meds for just a little over three months. There’s no instant cure for this, but I can get better. 

But, like my therapist told me today, I can’t get better until I know what I get from feeing guilty. So I have two weeks to figure it out before she gets back from vacation to figure this out. 

Here’s to finding out.