What now?

Yesterday was a rough day.  I wrote about what I would say to my friend/partner about him removing me from his life without warning. 

By 12:30 yesterday I had an email from him giving me those reasons. I thought I could handle it. I thought getting closure would be it. But as I lay in a fancy hotel room my husband whisked me away to for the week to take my mind off it, I can’t stop thinking that the last time I saw my partner in April would be the last time. 

I have so much to say to him. So much to explain. I want one more time to say goodbye. But that won’t happen. He says I betrayed his trust because I said something in passing to his wife. Something I didn’t know was a secret.  When his wife asked me, did you know about X, I said yes and explained the conversation. She then went back and relayed it to him. How is that something I could have prevented? I believe in honesty, truth, and compassion. 

I’m trying. I really am to let him go. But how do you so easily let someone go that you let in? That you trusted? That you cared for? 

The pain I feel is real. I can only hold it in so much. I want to cry. I want to see him one more time to know that is the last time. I see things that I know he would find humorous but can’t send him.  But I can’t. 

So, I’m stuck faking it til I make it until the pain goes away. I just don’t know when that will be. 

What I Want to Say

I’ve made several posts about losing a friend. It’s official now. That person is not in my life.  Without any answers on their part, I’m left with great amounts of hurt, disbelief, and sadness.  

Against my better judgement, I texted yesterday afternoon. You see, I had been ghosted without reason. Texts of excitement I sent over passing a major exam for my field of work, went up unnoticed, unrecognized.  I knew when I sent this last text that would be it. But I needed to send it. 


I could have made this very mean and harsh. But I was honest and to the point. As of this morning, no response. That is the closure I needed. I still have so much to say to them. So I decided to write it here. 

I read an article the other day about the types of people who come into your life. Two of those stand out to me. The long-haul and the for a short time. 

When we met, it was like having someone that understood my issues with how my brain works.  We joked so many times that I was the female version of you and vice versa.  I shared my inner most demons with you and trusted you and valued your opinion more that you will ever know.  You told me that you cared about me, you said you worried about me, these statements put you in the “long-haul” friendship category and evidently you became my best friend. 

Now I’m letting questioning all those late night talks about life, about work, and school and if you ever truly cared about me the way you said you did. 

You changed my life. You helped push me in ways that I didn’t know I needed to be pushed.  You told me everything would be okay when I started therapy that it’s a healing process. You reassured me multiple times after you thought I betrayed your trust that you weren’t going anywhere, that you would always be my friend.  

But things have changed. You no longer, it would appear, want me in your life. You stopped confiding in me and built a wall around yourself, and tried to convince me it wasn’t there.  But it’s there, and I’m walled out without an explanation for you. 

In all honesty you don’t need to explain yourself to me, but as someone whom I trusted and cared for deeply, it is owed to me the reason to which you suddenly decided to leave my life, without warning. 

That is the part that hurts the most. There was no warning. As I look back on the last 4 months, I can see the slow build to this, but I thought there was still time to repair whatever was broken. But there’s not. 

I’ve cried over you. I’ve cried over losing our friendship. I’ve cried over losing my best friend, and someone I thought who would be in my life for the long haul. Part of me still wants to believe that. That you are going through something that you don’t want help with, and I understand that. However, the way you’ve treated me the last few months is not how you treat friends. 

I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. When you are ready.  But I now know that you may never be ready and that I’ve lost you. 

I want to thank you for being there for me over the last year with all of my problems you’ve helped me through. I want to thank you for showing kindness to my son and all the gifts you bought him.  I don’t want to believe you were put into my life for a short term to help me through my problems, but that’s what it appears to be. 

I’m truly sorry if I did something to cause this. I’ve thought for weeks now what I did to cause this. And to be honest, I don’t know.  You stopped trusting me in March. That was the stepping point, and again you told me time and time again we were okay, and that you believed me. 

I could dwell on all the negative things and the hurt you have now brought into my life.  Instead, I’m going to think about the good times we’ve had.  All the movies we watched together, the gun range, long talks well into the night, hours of time spent playing video games with me and teaching me how to play games that require two thumb sticks. The gifts you bought me that were so perfect.  I will cherish those memories. 

I miss you. I wish I knew why things are what they are. But thank you for all the wonderful things you did help me with in this short amount of time we’ve known each other. 

Cutting Bonds

How do you easily cut certain bonds out of your life? How do you tell someone, lets just be friends and not something more? That’s my current struggle. I’m afraid that the friend part won’t stay. I’m afraid my husband will lose his partner in the process. But something has to give. 

I’m already in the friend zone from partner zone in my view point, but I can’t tell their view. We don’t make plans for hooking up, we casually chat about shit that doesn’t matter anymore. My husband is still as close to his partner as I was in the beginning, but things have changed. 

I’ve noticed a massive change in myself. Not always a good one, but I’m back to having some self esteem problems. Problems I haven’t had in a long time. I think because I spend too much time analyzing how people perceive me. And that has resulted in me serious slacking in the exercise department and eating healthy department. 

I need time to regroup. I need time to determine where I am in life. I need time to figure out how to break bonds that are going to be difficult to break. 

It makes me sad. The feeling of being replaced. The feeling of losing someone you’ve been intimate with. The emotions that come about when you connect with someone so profoundly similar to you. I’m at peace with this, but the feelings of sadness prevail.  Being ghosted for hours on end sometimes days without an explanation, and when I think I’ll do the same thing to them, I stop myself because that’s not me.  Letting something like that not eat away at you is damn hard. 

This is the hard part of swinging. There are people you connect with on just a sexual level. I have that, where it’s a booty text for some fun. But then, there are times when you develop a close connection both physically and emotionally. I have that with two of my partners. One male, one female. 

This leads me to believe that we are not meant to be with one person our whole life. I love my husband more than life itself. We’ve been together for almost 18 years, 12 of which married. But these connections with the other male and female is just as strong. There’s a different kind of love that I have for them.  I feel that love in return from the female. She has quickly become “my person.” We are both going through a lot, and can lean on each other even though we are hours away from each other. 

I felt that love and caring from my male partner at one point. But, it’s not there anymore. His wife assures me it is, but telling me and then me seeing it is different. So it’s time to determine my course of action. It’s time for me to say goodbye to that part of our relationship. 

Sanity 

Do you ever feel like your sanity is hanging on by a thread? At any moment the world “could” crumble and no one, except yourself, notices and sees it. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my shit together. 

A recap of what is causing my sanity to be on the verge of extinction. 

1. A close friend from back home sent me a text stated she was frustrated with her husband and his lack of help taking care of their 15 month old special needs child. How she has had to quit her job in order to take care of their son. Which, just to name a few things involves countless doctor appointments and fighting with insurance and medical billing companies. To which she states that “today is the day I am going to kill myself.” I find this text 30 minutes after she sent it, which put me into panic mode because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Finally she did, and tried to convince me it was a typo and she meant to say “bill herself” as in bill herself as a nurse would get paid.  That text was over a week ago, and it still has me worked up because I don’t think it was a mistake, and I’m 14 hours away and can’t help. 

2. I finally confronted another friend about how they had been treating me after having some liquid courage in the form of Whiskey and Peach flavored water.  It was months in the making and for whatever reason this past weekend, I pulled the bandaid and said my piece. He didn’t really respond so I went to bed angry and sad. Then to wake up to two very long text messages the next morning. Some of the things I stated were addressed, but not everything. He mentioned not liking the whole rehashing thing because it doesn’t solve anything. Which in my opinion basically means, don’t bring it up again. So there’s been no follow up on said conversation.  It’s been swept under the rug again… 

3. My husband has been “off” mentally for almost two weeks now and it has been causing me extra stress. He appears to be having manic episodes and I can’t help him. He says he feels disconnected from me and he can’t explain it.  It’s easy… you are never home, or if you are home, you are in your man cave working on stuff. We basically have hit roommate status and it sucks. Today, I actually feel the disconnect. I actually felt it yesterday when I told him I felt overwhelmed and needed some support and was told to let it go. No support. And I just felt it a few minutes ago when I said I needed a hug, a tight one, because I could feel the anxiety building, and I got a half-assed hug. Cue increase in anxiety. 

4. I’m basically being a single parent. Mad props to those of you that do this day in and day out, but I need a fucking break. I’m getting very little work done, which is a MAJOR problem, because I’m having to troubleshoot issues with my 9 year old. Who, by the way, spent two weeks recovering from a concussion and now has a major sunburn. My husband isn’t helping. Which makes me resent him and my son because I just need time alone. And I’m counting down the days until he goes back to stay with my folks for a month.

5. My leave for this week got revoked from work for a stupid ass reason and the days won’t carry over which means I lose them come July 1. 

Right now I’m waking on a spider web of sanity and it’s going to snap if something doesn’t give. 

Isolation

I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold. 

Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all. 

I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen? 

I’m Tired

I want to cry.

No I want to scream and cry.

No one understands what it’s like to be me.  Not even my best friend or my husband.  I want to cry all the time.

I’m tired of disappointments.

I’m tried of no one understanding me.

I’m tired of no one seeing how overworked and stressed out I am.

I’m tried of being under appreciated.

I’m tired of putting everyone’s needs in front of my own.

I’m tired of feeling alone.

I’m tired of not having support system.

I’m tired of suppressing my emotions.

I’m tired.

I’m exhausted.

I want to run away and let the chaos ensue.