Sanity 

Do you ever feel like your sanity is hanging on by a thread? At any moment the world “could” crumble and no one, except yourself, notices and sees it. 

That’s how I’m feeling right now. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I’m struggling to keep my shit together. 

A recap of what is causing my sanity to be on the verge of extinction. 

1. A close friend from back home sent me a text stated she was frustrated with her husband and his lack of help taking care of their 15 month old special needs child. How she has had to quit her job in order to take care of their son. Which, just to name a few things involves countless doctor appointments and fighting with insurance and medical billing companies. To which she states that “today is the day I am going to kill myself.” I find this text 30 minutes after she sent it, which put me into panic mode because she wouldn’t answer her phone. Finally she did, and tried to convince me it was a typo and she meant to say “bill herself” as in bill herself as a nurse would get paid.  That text was over a week ago, and it still has me worked up because I don’t think it was a mistake, and I’m 14 hours away and can’t help. 

2. I finally confronted another friend about how they had been treating me after having some liquid courage in the form of Whiskey and Peach flavored water.  It was months in the making and for whatever reason this past weekend, I pulled the bandaid and said my piece. He didn’t really respond so I went to bed angry and sad. Then to wake up to two very long text messages the next morning. Some of the things I stated were addressed, but not everything. He mentioned not liking the whole rehashing thing because it doesn’t solve anything. Which in my opinion basically means, don’t bring it up again. So there’s been no follow up on said conversation.  It’s been swept under the rug again… 

3. My husband has been “off” mentally for almost two weeks now and it has been causing me extra stress. He appears to be having manic episodes and I can’t help him. He says he feels disconnected from me and he can’t explain it.  It’s easy… you are never home, or if you are home, you are in your man cave working on stuff. We basically have hit roommate status and it sucks. Today, I actually feel the disconnect. I actually felt it yesterday when I told him I felt overwhelmed and needed some support and was told to let it go. No support. And I just felt it a few minutes ago when I said I needed a hug, a tight one, because I could feel the anxiety building, and I got a half-assed hug. Cue increase in anxiety. 

4. I’m basically being a single parent. Mad props to those of you that do this day in and day out, but I need a fucking break. I’m getting very little work done, which is a MAJOR problem, because I’m having to troubleshoot issues with my 9 year old. Who, by the way, spent two weeks recovering from a concussion and now has a major sunburn. My husband isn’t helping. Which makes me resent him and my son because I just need time alone. And I’m counting down the days until he goes back to stay with my folks for a month.

5. My leave for this week got revoked from work for a stupid ass reason and the days won’t carry over which means I lose them come July 1. 

Right now I’m waking on a spider web of sanity and it’s going to snap if something doesn’t give. 

Isolation

I’m wondering if isolation is the way to go. I feel as if I’m messing everything up, again. I have my times where I don’t feel this, and then it comes back ten-fold. 

Today I had the house all to myself, and it felt great. I did what I wanted, did not have to do anything for anyone else, but then my husband and son got home, and my whole attitude changed. I was back to being the care giver, the problem solver, the one who does it all. 

I really want to run away. And leave all this behind me. But I know that things will crumble without me here. And how can I let that happen? 

I’m Tired

I want to cry.

No I want to scream and cry.

No one understands what it’s like to be me.  Not even my best friend or my husband.  I want to cry all the time.

I’m tired of disappointments.

I’m tried of no one understanding me.

I’m tired of no one seeing how overworked and stressed out I am.

I’m tried of being under appreciated.

I’m tired of putting everyone’s needs in front of my own.

I’m tired of feeling alone.

I’m tired of not having support system.

I’m tired of suppressing my emotions.

I’m tired.

I’m exhausted.

I want to run away and let the chaos ensue.