I’m learning that deceit is heavy on the soul. The longer you let the deceit play out, the more it weighs on you. I came home for the next week. I wanted, no I needed to see my family. I’ve been deceitful with them for the last 4 months. I thought seeing them would help with the situation. However, its not. The only thing it’s doing is making me feel worse. I want to tell them, I really do, but I don’t want to crush my mom. I don’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes and face when I tell her I’m a failure. That I lost my job because of a mistake, and someone who back-stabbed me. I don’t want to hear about how she feels my husband doesn’t take care of me and my son. So I don’t say anything. I lie and lie and lie some more about what is actually going on. I spin the truth to make it less like a lie, but I still know it is.
I’ve cried 4 of the 5 days I’ve been here. Sunday was particularly bad. I went with my parents to church. Let me be frank, it’s not because I went to church that I had a bad day. I enjoy going to my parent’s church. Their preacher isn’t your typical preacher. He is more down to earth, more easy going, and doesn’t get too preachy on you during the sermon. The sermon hit close to home, and things I’ve been working on, being authentic. What does that mean? How does one become authentic to themselves WITHOUT worrying about what others think. That is the bulk of my anxiety. The perception of other people. I have modified myself to fit other people’s expectations of me to the point that I don’t know what and who I am anymore. I’ve made modifications to how I act even around my husband, by not showing how messed up I am currently. I don’t know who actually knows the real me. Who would still be around when I show the real me.
I look put together. I look 100% fine. I look like I am mentally stable. But I’m not. I’m more of a wreck than I let on. I fight day in and day out with who I am, and who I want to be. I feel like who I want to be is so far out of reach that I don’t know how to get there. I keep hoping that once I get a full-time job things will get better, that I will go back to normal, but I don’t think that is a solution, it’s a bandaid. I need help. I need help that I don’t know how to get.
The deceit is changing me faster and faster every day.