The Hurt is Real

NOTE:  I started writing this, and noticed I started rambling.  It’s probably because I’m emotional, slightly elevated on THC oil and my anti-anxiety night time meds I haven’t taken in a while, because I haven’t felt like I needed it.  This is me saying sorry in advance.

There comes a time when a person has to say, enough is enough.  I thought I was okay with making my trip to see a partner.  I thought I was okay with whatever the situation was going to be. However, I’m not okay.  When patterns exist in our world, it usually points to something being off.  Patterns aren’t supposed to happen consistently.  They are supposed to occur at random.  I’ve noticed a pattern, and it shows me something has to change, or it will keep happening.  Let me explain

July 2016:  I meet this partner for the first time after chatting with him for 2 months, and I get my monthly visitor.  Things go alright, we have fun, but I’m disappointed because of the monthly visitor.

August 2016:  He makes a trip to see me (4 hour drive).  I’m incredibly sick with a UTI and a bladder infection.  I’m not up for much except hanging out. Later it becomes aware I have a much more serious issue, that has to be dealt with forever now.

Sept. 2016: I make a trip to see my partner for my birthday. (4 hour drive) Shit goes down, I’m disappointed about how it went, cry several times on the trip in secrecy, and cry on the way home.

Oct 2016:  I make the trip again for his birthday (4 hr drive).  Again, random stuff goes down. His wife is sick this time.  He has to tend to her needs.  Which, don’t get me wrong is what he should do, but it seems strange the whole sequence of events of her getting “sick”

Dec. 2016:  They come to my husband and I.  We exchange gifts, our kid goes to a friends house for the night.  We enjoy a night seeing a comedian.  During the show, my partner starts not feeling well.  We get back to the house, my husband and the wife leave to go to their hotel room.  Myself and my partner stay at the house.  He’s too sick to do anything.

Feb. 2017: They come to visit again, this time for my husband and son’s birthday.  Things are great.  We have a nice night together in the hotel room. It’s probably one of the better times we’ve been together.

March 2017:  I’m accused of something I didn’t do.  Feel free to read this blog post for context. Although the blog post is April, this post explains everything.

April 2017: Visit to my partner for a few days as spring break.  It doesn’t go well, and I feel that it’s because of said blog post incident. We have a long talk, but I don’t feel better upon leaving.

May – July 2017:  Less and less talking, and when we do talk it’s nothing of importance.

July 2017:  Haven’t seen my partner, all sorts of reasons are given for why we can’t meet up.  I begin to feel like he is holding something back and not being honest. Which leads to a MASSIVE fight between us.  He goes radio silent, I call him out on it, he blames me for shit again etc…

September 2017: He invites me to come to his place.  First time I’ve seen him since April, first time since our big fight.  I’ve seen the wife on several occasions, because she has driven to our house to see my husband. But not my partner. I’m torn on what to do, but I decide to come. That leads to me to where I am now.

Sitting in the dark writing this post on my computer, post crying, post mediating, unable to sleep. You see, I shouldn’t have come.  I knew I would end up disappointed.  I knew I would end up hurt.  But I pushed it aside. I was like, no, we’ve both changed a lot, and grown and have become close again, so i thought.

I knew I shouldn’t have come, the moment I walked in the door and received no hug. 6 months since I’ve seen him, no hug, no touching. The wife, who had literally just left me house the day before gives me a huge hug. Yesterday was spent sitting on the couch, with very little eye contact from him, no touching of any kind. Making it uncomfortable. I did manage to convince him to spar with me, so we did, but that’s not the kind of touching I wanted.  Today, he was better, I got a hug, he made me coffee, presented me with a new band for my FitBit.  We went to the gun range, had a good day.  Still no sexual affection.  I’m clearly in the friend zone now.  I couldn’t get the nerve to ask him with my voice to come sleep in the same bed as me tonight.  This is something we’ve done EVERY TIME we’ve been together.  It felt awkward asking him because of the mixed signals.  So I texted him, as he sat in the chair on the other side of the couch.

Screen Shot 2017-09-21 at 12.37.45 AM

Don’t want to make it awkward?  You’ve already done that.  You’ve invited me to your house, and done everything possible to send me mixed signals.  Did I mention, I sent this text and then 30 minutes later, I say I’m going to bed.  5 minutes later he sends his response.

I contemplated not responding, but that’s not my style.  So you can clearly see my response and I didn’t answer the last text because I’m angry.  I don’t know if I’m more angry with myself for thinking this time would be different, or more angry with him.

Current feelings:

I don’t feel important to anyone in my life right now, husband included because he’s going through a selfish loop within his depression, and now one can see my pain like I can see everyone else’s.

The hurt is real right now.  It’s so real that I took another night time med because I need to sleep and not wake up anxious in the morning, because I have to drive 4 hours home.

But know this, I’m changing this pattern.  I’m not coming back.  I refuse to drive 4 hours for him anymore.  I refuse to allow him to hurt me anymore.  I may sneak out early without saying goodbye, because it won’t fucking matter anyway.

The hurt is real. I’m tired of hurting.

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