Groove Back

I’ve been off for a while now.  I don’t mean “off” as in from work.  I mean off has in my productivity level, my overall mental health, and relationships with other people.

This week, I feel like my groove is coming back, but even more so today.  I felt like I took the day by the balls, so to speak, and made it my own.

I have a MAJOR deadline coming up on Friday for work.  This deadline has been looming over me since March (I believe).   This deadline has the following things due.

  • Scope and Sequence (the day to day objectives for my teachers to teach next year) for grades 3 – 6
    • Example of what one of these looks likeScreen Shot 2017-05-17 at 9.32.54 PM
    • So picture this for every day there is a lesson to be taught.  To be exact there’s 105 per grade for next year.  Those have been done for a few weeks now.
  • All Benchmark assessments for the entire year.  5 per grade level.  These are not an easy thing to due.   I couldn’t even start these until the Scopes and Sequences were finished.  Once those were finished, I had to fill out this tab, on the same document that is pictured aboveScreen Shot 2017-05-17 at 9.34.22 PM
    • You can see that as the tests go into the year, they get longer as the year goes.  These are the same type of history tests we took as kids either.  They are tough and massive, and not by my choice.  I go by the requirement of the state.

That being said, I have completed all of the Scopes and Sequences for grades 3-8, and all of my assessments for 3-7.  I should note that Grades 6 and 7, do not have Benchmark 5 in my networks system yet, because they are a state released test, so I don’t have to have those in there, but they are formatted and ready to go.  The same will happen with 8th grade.

I’m sitting at 2 days to basically write 4 tests, and then I’m done with them.  They are considered “Draft” forms until my teachers vet them throughout the year next year, but they are off my back.

I’ve spent the last few weeks working from home, because the amount of space I needed to spread out while working on these tests.  This has been nice, because when I need a brain break, I can do random stuff around the house that I wouldn’t normally be able to do if I was at the office or another location.

So today, when I needed a break from the computer, I completed all of mine and my husband’s laundry (including folded and put away), the towels (folded and put away), washed our sheets and blanket and remade the bed.  Swept my living room, kitchen, and bedroom (gotta love hardwood floors), and then went over them with hardwood floor cleaner.

Needles to say, I feel accomplished today.  I feel like I’m sitting good coming in to this deadline that has been a major stressor for me for weeks.  Unsure if I was going to get it done because I have been so mentally off.

Since I made that post the other day about lower my expectations, it has helped tremendously.  I’m assuming that I just need to do it myself and not rely on someone else. Which at times can suck, but I also know that if I do it, it will get done and I can rest easier.

Let’s hope I can keep this momentum going, because I feel like myself.  I feel like my nickname that my coworkers have given me, “The Beast.”  And I haven’t felt like that for a very long time.

Today, this was me!


Adjusting Expectations

A quick note before bed. 

I’ve realized that as much as I want balance and harmony in the world, it won’t happen. 

People will disappoint me.

People will hurt me. 

Plans will not go off without a hitch. 

Things will fail. 

I’m still Atlas, wishing to be Athena. But, I’m adjusting my expectations to be lower than I hope because then I won’t get the disappointment. 

For example: 

1. I am going to assume, I won’t get time away that I need, so I shall start coping with that in my own way as much as possible getting me time in small chunks. 

2. I’m also assuming I won’t be seeing my best friend for a while because our schedules don’t line up very often and when they do, he doesn’t feel good…. I’m really starting to question if he actually is my best friend. That’s a whole other post.

If I adjust my expectations the result in a failure that could trigger my anxiety, anger, etc… should in theory be reduced. Do I like that I’m having to adjust my expectations? Hell, no! I wish I didn’t have to. I wish that everyone had the same work ethic, friendship values, etc that I have, but they don’t. So I am the flexible one. I will adjust.

Atlas No More

I am Atlas. I carry the weight of my friends and family on my back. I tend to their needs instead of my own. I make sure that everyone is happy. 

I cannot be Atlas anymore. Clearly, I want to help my closest friends and loved ones. But at some point I have to let that go. Otherwise my own happiness and needs get pushed to the side. 

I want to be Athena, minus the whole virgin thing. 

I’ve gotten clarity from my situation I blogged about before. I was right there was a shift in behaviors with me from my friend, but it was for my own good. They did not want to add to my already stressed life. There were good intentions, although poorly communicated, which has now been fixed. 

I feel better. I cannot continue to allow the anxiety to rule my life. It makes me feel like Atlas except I’m carrying the universe instead of the Earth. 

Starting today. I. Am. Athena. 

Poor Sleep

Going to bed with anxiety, and sleeping poorly has caused the anxiety to be in full swing this morning.   My sleep 100% forms my day.  I did not get enough REM or Deep sleep last night.

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I’ve decided to go dark on my phone. I need to focus.  I’m struggling like none other.  I’m trying to push through.  I’m going to be brave, even if I don’t feel like it.  I’m going to try and make something out of this crazy anxiety feeling today.

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Anxiety Road

My brain is going down the Anxiety Road.

Why?  I don’t know.  Well… I do know… but I don’t want to acknowledge it, because if I acknowledge it, then it might just be a real thing, and I don’t know if I can handle it being a real thing.

But in order to embrace it, I have to say it out loud.  I think I’m losing my best friend.  I think we are drifting farther and farther apart with each passing day.  Our text conversations have almost gone to nothing.  Pure “how are you feeling” and “how did you sleep” type stuff.  Nothing of substance.  No hours of texting back and forth talking about anything and everything.

I’ve noticed it for a few months now.  This slowly dwindling meaningful text conversations.  Is it something I’ve done?  Did I over burden them with my problems to where they don’t want to be apart of my life any more?  Did they grow tired of me?

So I am playing this game in my head. Going through our history of friendship.  We used text all day.  Literally. No joke.  From the time we got up, to the time we went to bed. Even with our crazy schedules. I knew theres and they knew mine.  Now I’m lucky if I get a text or two every few hours.  And it’s usually, the standard “how are you feeling…” and then nothing… How do I not get paranoid with that?  How do I tell myself they are busy? How do I convince myself that I’m not losing the person who gets me more than anyone I’ve ever known?

At times, I feel like I’m suffocating them.  That I’m too much.  My life. My problems. My stupid brain constantly over analyzing everything.  I want the old times back.  I want to not have to fear that I’ve done something to upset them.  Do they know something that I don’t know.  Are they ignoring me for a reason.  Do I send them a message and says “Hey, is everything okay?” and then look like a crazy person?  Because I’ve already done that a few days ago.  And then got a reply back like 4 hours later “No, I’m not giving you the silent treatment, I had my phone on do not disturb.”

How do I call bullshit when I know that’s not true.  Your phone is only on Do Not Disturb when you are sleeping.  Not in the middle of the day. You are choosing to not respond.

How do I bring up they promised to come visit me this week?  But nothing has been said about it for over a week now.  How do I explain that it’s better if you are honest with me instead of leading me on, and telling me that you don’t feel good, that you’re tired, that you want to visit but don’t have the energy too.  How do I explain that I know you’ve been out with other people because I’ve been told.  How do I explain the hurt feelings. The numbness that I feel because you don’t treat me the way you used to?  That I’ve never recovered from our problem (which I think is the trigger to the drifting) that happened back at the beginning of March.

How do I not cry with the idea that you are drifting away?  How do I not cry at the idea of something I’ve invested all this time into, doesn’t mean the same thing to you.  How do I not question every text you send me as to whether you are being genuine?   How do I bring this up?

Which path do I take on the Anxiety Road?  My brain says all three.  It says I’m right.  I’ve messed up, like always. My closest friend is drifting from me.  Going at a speed at which I cannot keep up.

Mixed Emotions

I’m regretting the bottle of wine from last night. I don’t normally drink. However, we had a friend over last night, so I embraced the bottle of Moscoto and went all in.  

I’m having mixed emotions lately. I feel very happy. I feel like I’m making a difference, and then I’ll get hit with anxiety like a semi truck for no reason. 

Last night is a perfect example. I sent a text to one of my partners, the one I’m the closest to. No response after an hour, which is odd. I immediately start to assume the worst. That he’s no longer interested, I have upset him, etc…. The anxiety consumes me, full force. When he texts back, I feel like a fool.  He was having an early birthday dinner for his wife and had his phone on do not disturb.  At this point, I’m drunk and high and feel so foolish about it, I begin my road of “I’m sorry”, “I was being stupid,” ” Just forget I texted…”

That’s how my anxiety works. I feel like a stupid idiot when it takes over and apologize when I haven’t really done anything wrong. And I can’t help it. It’s how my brain functions. 

I wish that those attacks wouldn’t come. I wish that they would stay the f*** away.  I just want to be happy. I just want to live a normal life and not deal with this constant feeling of “someone out there is upset/disappointed with me.” 

Even when I’m at my happiest, there’s still a twinge of guilt because I am happy, and wonder if I deserve it.