Everything Changes

There is a meditation in the app I use called “Everything Changes.” It’s meant to help those, like myself, with anxiety to deal with things that come up. I’ve done it a few times, but it never did anything for me.

Tonight, I can’t get those two words out of my head. While talking with my husband earlier we discussed how he hasn’t been social. He has been spending a lot of time writing and working. I pointed out he is more social than I am at the moment. Some days, since being unemployed, I don’t even leave the house. I simply move from one room to the next. I very rarely am in the same room with my husband because I don’t want to disturb his writing. Saying this out loud triggered a sadness inside I didn’t know I had.

I miss going to the coffee shop. I miss seeing my old coworkers. It hurts that while I was on suspension everyone had my back, texted me all the time to see how I was. Now, I haven’t heard from anyone in three weeks. I don’t go to the coffee shop because I don’t want to run into anyone. I don’t want to explain I don’t have a job, that I spend my days watching show after show on Netflix. That’s all I’ve done for 6 weeks now.

I feel isolated. I feel lonely. I miss working. I know that when I do get a job I will miss my freedom I have now, but that doesn’t change how I feel.

I think what sucks the most is that my birthday is coming up. Two weeks away. We had a big awesome trip planned that we had to cancel since I quit my job. It seems like every year there is something around my birthday. Last year I had to go on a work trip, the previous year my husband broke his foot, the year before that I was deathly ill. I can continue for the last ten years, but I won’t. The one thing I wanted for once was the have a nice easy birthday, but now I don’t care anymore. It’s another day that I will spend on my son’s bed watching Netflix while my husband works in the living room.

Everything changes. But some things never do.

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4 Nouns

My last class started this week for my EdS in Educational Technology.  We have the typical introduce yourself post.  I’m not usually a fan of these.  I’ve now been in class online with the same group of people since November of 2015, it seems crazy to introduce myself when everyone already knows me.  However, this time, the teacher introducing style threw me for a loop.

We had to name 4 nouns that describe us, without explaining.  That’s it.  4 simple nouns.  This of course made me stop and really think about how I would describe myself with nouns.  I asked my husband.  Who just stared at me blankly.  Wasn’t a good sign in my mind, however he said the obvious “Mother, Teacher, Wife, Lover.”  Of course I can’t use Lover for my class, but it made me think, is that how he sees me.  As those four things.  So I took to my friends for their views, just to see.

Friend 1: Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend

Friend 2: Chef, Mom, Committed (that’s an adjective which is not usable), Rock

Friend 3: (This friend gave me a list of adjectives, which I really appreciated, then realized I said nouns) Gamer, Teacher, Friend, Boss

Friend 4: Stairs, Sponge, Funnel, Diamond

Friend 4 made me stop in my tracks.  They seem odd.  Much different from the words I got from my husband and Friend 1.  By the time she had responded to me, I had already posted my nouns of Educator, Mother, Gamer, Rock.  Now at first thought, I’m pleased with those nouns.  They describe me.  You can clearly see those things about me after you chat with me for a few minutes.  But I immediately regretted those first three words. Not because I am those things, but because that is how people see me at the surface.  Those are surface words.  Those words don’t describe me in depth.  I wish I had waited (bc I can’t delete posts, in my online classes platform), because Friend 4 with the combination of Rock from Friend 2 describes in depth me.  Let me explain:

c47b856a88d1968d7c45e554c3abb504-wood-staircase-wooden-stairsWhy stairs?  Why does the nouns stairs describe me?  According to my friend, she thinks of stairs for how I am always creating a path for people to be better and to help them reach goals.  Stairs help us to reach higher places.  They take us to new heights, and she knows that deep down in my heart, that’s what I truly enjoy doing.  And she’s right.  I love working with people and helping them figure out what they want to do to be better.  I also find myself wondering a lot of the time how to achieve bigger and better things for myself and my family, so the idea of using stairs to describe me seems very fitting.

large-natural-sea-sponge-45The concept of me being a sponge actually made me laugh when she first said it.  It made me think she said that because I’m constantly cleaning up after everyone.  However, her explanation is much better.  She told me that I’m a sponge because I soak everything up in terms of learning.  I truly do love to learn new things.  I find it exciting to discover new crazy things.  My husband likes to give me crap about my daily useless facts that I pass along to him.  I guess that’s me being a sponge and soaking up crazy new information from all things and then sharing all the information with other people.

712-htqnpxl-_sx355_Funnel?  Because I like to cook?  No.   I’m a funnel because I’m good at filtering information and finding what I really need and getting things done efficiently.  Funnels help us to prevent messes when we are having to transfer liquids into new containers.   My friend says that I’m a funnel for all the new information I take in and then figure out a better way to express the information to others so that they don’t get overwhelmed.

rock

Rock.  YES!  I am a rock.  I am the stability for my family.   I stand my ground against things that are wrong.  I hold my family above the crazy shit that happen in our lives.  I don’t waiver.  Even at my lowest with my anxiety, I am still a rock for my husband, my son, and my friends that need me the most.

Am I upset that I posted that I’m a Mother?  No.  It’s one of the single most glorious things in my life.  My son makes me world go round.  Considering now that I am unable to have any children, I’m very thankful for my birth control baby. That’s right… birth control baby.  There was a reason he defeated the odds with birth control and the world will know it soon. This kid is going to change something big in the world, I can feel it.

Educator.  I am.  I am this through and through.  I always have been and I always will be.  From the time I spent teaching my stuffed animals as a kid, to working with elementary aged kids when I was in high school, to now where I’m working with adults.  I live, breathe, and will die with education coursing through my veins.

Gamer.  Although, it’s not as often as I would like, I do love relaxing by playing video games, board games, or table-top RPGs.  It always me to take on a different perspective for a few hours.

It’s really hard to identify yourself with just 4 nouns.  Its hard to make people see you for what you are with those nouns, but its do-able.  But I know I’m more than those surface level nouns.  I have deep-rich nouns that describe me.

Stairs. Sponge. Funnel. Rock.

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Finding My Voice

It’s been a long time since I blogged.  I would like to say that things have been going well.  However, that is far from the case.  In mid July drama went down at my work place.  I’ve always enjoyed the people that I work with but the upper portion of my network was starting to play games.  By that I mean they were starting to do things that I didn’t 100% agree with.  I had already planned for this school year to be my last year with them.  I was ready to move on to something much bigger.  Needless to say, I ended up resigning my position at the beginning of August without another job lined up.  It was the toughest decision that I’ve ever made, however, it was also the best thing that I could have done.

The work that I was doing was not appreciated.  I was being taken advantage of.  I was doing the work load of 5 people, and not getting any additional money.  Which, to be honest, is fine by me, because I’d rather do the work and take the burden off the teachers.  It became quickly apparent to the upper management at my now ex-network to realize the extent of the work I was doing, because they wanted me to continue to write lessons for them for three grade levels until they could hire my replacement.  I told them no.  I shouldn’t have to resign for my worth to be seen.

I’ve enjoyed having this time to myself.  I haven’t had to do anything.  Ironically, my class for my EdS the same weekend of my last day of work, so I haven’t had anything to do for the last two weeks.  My next class starts this coming Monday and I’m looking forward to it.  It’s my final class before my capstone project and then I’m finished!  I have several jobs that are full time in the works.  One of which starts Oct. 1st if I am able to secure it.  I’m really excited about that one, and it looks the most promising.  In the mean time I’m going to be tutoring kiddos after school that need additional support and delivering for UberEats.

I’d like to wish that was in the end of the turmoil in my house these past 5 weeks, however that’s not the case.  My husband was headed to a convention for his writing last week and was involved in a car accident with a semi 5 hours away from home.  This could have gone a lot worse than it did.  He came away unharmed, but my car was not so lucky.  The semi-truck company took full responsibility for the wreck, but now I have no car, and no job.  The accident shed some new light on certain aspects of our lives.  I’m beyond thankful that my husband is alive, and this is 100%  a new chapter starting for us as a family.  The last year and a half were been the closest we’ve ever been and now with this, it’s forcing us to look at everything and determine what is the most important.

On Monday, my husband’s computer crashed.  This was the point where I reached my limit and realized that I’m done with all the negative shit happening in my life.  My husband did not have any of his files backed up, and he is working on a major project.  I was beyond pissed that he didn’t have any backups, and felt it was very reckless of him.  Then I realized that it’s his own fault and he had to learn this lesson the hard way.  Thankfully, the computer technician was able to recover the files and repair the computer but not before costing me close to $200.00.   Monday was the first time my husband had been on the computer since the wreck, so we are certain it was damaged in it.  I’m not a person who is out for money, but the truck’s insurance company is going to have to pay for a new one in addition to the car issues.

In all of this trial and turmoil I have found my voice again, and have started putting my foot down. I flat out told Clint that he had to get out of his depression spiral and figure out what to do because I didn’t have the ability to do that for him.  I left him alone after the tough love and within 20 minutes he came out and began working on our son’s computer, in the cloud, and figuring out where he should begin his manuscript again. I also have been more assertive with some friends that constantly complain about their issues as well.  I get that everyone has their problems, but if you only see things in the negative light, then your life will be negative.

I told my therapist yesterday that everyone else can go F*** themselves.  Because I’ve realized what matters is my happiness, my husband and my child.  Now does that mean I’m going to become isolated and cut off from my friends?  No.  It means that I’m going to pay more attention to my family instead of outside things.  Far too long I’ve let outside forces rule my life, and that will be no more.   I’ll still be there for my friends, but my family comes first.

I’ve found that this quote has been my guiding force through all of this.

36707-Hardships

We are 100% in a hardship, but when we come out of it, things are going to be so much better for us!   I’m going to do a better job of blogging as well.  There’s really no excuse for me not to.  Lord knows I have all the time in the world right now.

 

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What now?

Yesterday was a rough day.  I wrote about what I would say to my friend/partner about him removing me from his life without warning. 

By 12:30 yesterday I had an email from him giving me those reasons. I thought I could handle it. I thought getting closure would be it. But as I lay in a fancy hotel room my husband whisked me away to for the week to take my mind off it, I can’t stop thinking that the last time I saw my partner in April would be the last time. 

I have so much to say to him. So much to explain. I want one more time to say goodbye. But that won’t happen. He says I betrayed his trust because I said something in passing to his wife. Something I didn’t know was a secret.  When his wife asked me, did you know about X, I said yes and explained the conversation. She then went back and relayed it to him. How is that something I could have prevented? I believe in honesty, truth, and compassion. 

I’m trying. I really am to let him go. But how do you so easily let someone go that you let in? That you trusted? That you cared for? 

The pain I feel is real. I can only hold it in so much. I want to cry. I want to see him one more time to know that is the last time. I see things that I know he would find humorous but can’t send him.  But I can’t. 

So, I’m stuck faking it til I make it until the pain goes away. I just don’t know when that will be. 

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What I Want to Say

I’ve made several posts about losing a friend. It’s official now. That person is not in my life.  Without any answers on their part, I’m left with great amounts of hurt, disbelief, and sadness.  

Against my better judgement, I texted yesterday afternoon. You see, I had been ghosted without reason. Texts of excitement I sent over passing a major exam for my field of work, went up unnoticed, unrecognized.  I knew when I sent this last text that would be it. But I needed to send it. 


I could have made this very mean and harsh. But I was honest and to the point. As of this morning, no response. That is the closure I needed. I still have so much to say to them. So I decided to write it here. 

I read an article the other day about the types of people who come into your life. Two of those stand out to me. The long-haul and the for a short time. 

When we met, it was like having someone that understood my issues with how my brain works.  We joked so many times that I was the female version of you and vice versa.  I shared my inner most demons with you and trusted you and valued your opinion more that you will ever know.  You told me that you cared about me, you said you worried about me, these statements put you in the “long-haul” friendship category and evidently you became my best friend. 

Now I’m letting questioning all those late night talks about life, about work, and school and if you ever truly cared about me the way you said you did. 

You changed my life. You helped push me in ways that I didn’t know I needed to be pushed.  You told me everything would be okay when I started therapy that it’s a healing process. You reassured me multiple times after you thought I betrayed your trust that you weren’t going anywhere, that you would always be my friend.  

But things have changed. You no longer, it would appear, want me in your life. You stopped confiding in me and built a wall around yourself, and tried to convince me it wasn’t there.  But it’s there, and I’m walled out without an explanation for you. 

In all honesty you don’t need to explain yourself to me, but as someone whom I trusted and cared for deeply, it is owed to me the reason to which you suddenly decided to leave my life, without warning. 

That is the part that hurts the most. There was no warning. As I look back on the last 4 months, I can see the slow build to this, but I thought there was still time to repair whatever was broken. But there’s not. 

I’ve cried over you. I’ve cried over losing our friendship. I’ve cried over losing my best friend, and someone I thought who would be in my life for the long haul. Part of me still wants to believe that. That you are going through something that you don’t want help with, and I understand that. However, the way you’ve treated me the last few months is not how you treat friends. 

I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. When you are ready.  But I now know that you may never be ready and that I’ve lost you. 

I want to thank you for being there for me over the last year with all of my problems you’ve helped me through. I want to thank you for showing kindness to my son and all the gifts you bought him.  I don’t want to believe you were put into my life for a short term to help me through my problems, but that’s what it appears to be. 

I’m truly sorry if I did something to cause this. I’ve thought for weeks now what I did to cause this. And to be honest, I don’t know.  You stopped trusting me in March. That was the stepping point, and again you told me time and time again we were okay, and that you believed me. 

I could dwell on all the negative things and the hurt you have now brought into my life.  Instead, I’m going to think about the good times we’ve had.  All the movies we watched together, the gun range, long talks well into the night, hours of time spent playing video games with me and teaching me how to play games that require two thumb sticks. The gifts you bought me that were so perfect.  I will cherish those memories. 

I miss you. I wish I knew why things are what they are. But thank you for all the wonderful things you did help me with in this short amount of time we’ve known each other. 

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Anger

*** Warning, I’m angry and when I’m angry I drop certain words, that some might not like. *** 

The rage that courses through my body this morning is great.  It started last night.  With a  simple conversation that I knew was going to enrage me once I got the full story.

Ties are being cut.  For good this time.  I don’t need the drama in my life.  I need the freedom from the weight that I carry about this friendship.  I’ve tolerated it long enough.  I cannot continue to let this negative force into my life.  Which sucks.  Because I didn’t see them as a negative force, until recently, when I started asking questions to myself.

How much of your friendship was based on truth, twisted truths, or straight up lies?

Does this person actually care about me, or was it all pretend?

I’m tried of excuses.  I’m tied of feeling like I’m the one that has done something wrong.  I’m tried of it all.

Here is my ultimate problem.  I can’t express what I want to express.  Because things I know, I’m not supposed to know, and I don’t want to get the other person who is also involved in trouble.  So in my head, I’ve cut ties, but I cannot give them my 100% wrath because of the implications involved.

This is the shit that I’m talking about.  Knowing something, myself having to pretend, because the other person doesn’t know I know.  It’s deceptive.  It’s hurtful and I don’t like having to be put into this position.  But WTF am I supposed to do?  I still deeply care about one person involved and do not want to lose them, but could give a rats ass about the other at this point.  But I have to continue as if nothing is wrong.

I don’t want complicated.  I don’t have time for that.

So the anger inside is building.  I’m starting boxing this week.  That is to help with my anger.  But in the mean time, I’m not sure how to get this anger to go the fuck away.

I slept like shit last night because in my dreams I just had the same thing happen over and over again.  Me telling this person off and getting closure.  But, I can’t do that.

Anger-quotes-6-500x419

Welcome to my anger.

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Answers

Today I got solid, scientific evidence of what could be causing my anxiety and depression. 

To fully understand how I got these answers you have to know some background information. In Feb. 2015, I had my first complex migraine. The problem with this is that I was teaching when it happened. It started out by feeling really weak, dizzy, and sick to my stomach. I thought I that I needed something to eat because it was almost 11 and I hadn’t eaten. So I sent a student to the front office to purchase a snack for me to make it through the end of class. I finished that class and started my last class when I started seeing black dots and the light sensitive started. Thankfully this was my best class as I was giving the instructions for the day, I began to have difficulty figuring out what I wanted to say. Mind you, I had already done this 3 times prior. 

Within five minutes I was unable to articulate more than a few words at a time. I started texting (or attempting) to text my husband. A student went to get the principal while another student took my phone and called my husband and then two others helped me sit down and rest my head on the desk. All other students were silent. 

We only live a few minutes from where I teach, so my husband got there fast and rushed me to the ER. They believed I was having a mini stroke, I received several scans and loads of medication. The scans came back clean and they determine it was a complex migraine. For a three months I was having these almost every day. I stayed medicated with an OTC pain killer while I taight (no rest for the weary) and at night I took the good stuff and laid in the dark.  

While this was going on, I was also in the middle of a fertility treatment because we were trying to have a second child. I saw a specialist in May of 2015. Test were run and then was told they couldn’t give me any migraine meds because we were trying to have a child. And that was the end of that. Since then I’ve been very aware of my triggers and I only have one migraine maybe two a month, but never as bad as that first one. 

Fast forward to today when I say my PCP. I expressed all my feelings of sadness and depression that last month or so, and how I think I need an additional medicine for the depression. She started looking through my blood work and discovered the blood work from the doctor in 2015. They are in the same hospital network of doctors so all my records are shared between. 

She causally said something about “your gene mutation” and I stopped and said, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” She proceeded to tell me that the specialist in 2015 discovered I have a MTHFR gene mutation. That’s right that stupid abbreviation looks like Mother Fuck Gene Mutation. She said this explains all your problems. My jaw almost hit the floor. I have the A1298C mutation twice, and since it’s hereditary, one or both of my parents have it.  

Possible issues with this mutation include: 

  • Excessive tiredness (all day every day)
  • Anxiety (check)
  • Depression (check) 
  • Hypertension 
  • Migraines (check) 
  • Miscarriages (check)

I could continue with the list of problems this causes, but I won’t. 

Here within is the good and the bad news. It can be controlled because it targets and enzyme in your body thus you can take a prescription plus B-Complex to control it. Yeah for good news. BUT, there’s not a lot of scientific study on it because it is a somewhat new discovery. In fact, most of the information out there is on hipster homeopathic websites. Don’t get my wrong, I have zero problems, repeat ZERO PROBLEMS if that is your thing. Personally I like cold hard scientific data. Formal studies. 

We did more blood work to see my levels for the enzyme, she upped my meds dosage, and I go back in a month for the new course of treatment. 

It was a major relief to know it’s in the DNA and that is what is causing all my issues. Not that I’m lazy and lack motivation. My stupid genes are mutated. 

I did call my mom and tell her so she could get tested. That list of issues I stopped with, remember it’s much longer, and my mom has more of those, which leads me to believe I got this from her. 

Now I have hope again. Hope I can fix this. Hope that my problems will at least get smaller. They can’t ever go away. Again, it’s in my DNA.  But there’s hope. 

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