Sounding Board

The second weekend of March, I was accused of something that I did not do.  This “thing” 6 weeks later is still bothering me and causing much of my anxiety.  I need to have a difficult conversation with someone that is near and dear to me, but I’m struggling with how and if I should even do it.  It’s not really the if, I know I should.  But it is terrifying me to bring it back up.  Because the other parties involved have moved on, and I’m still latching.

To get the full understanding of this I might need to back up.  My husband and I have been together for 17 years.  We are high school sweet hearts.  It’s rare.  That type of thing doesn’t usually last.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our lows.  And they were pretty low within a few years of getting married.  We both had affairs, we worked through our problems, and became this really strong unit.

In January of 2016 we started having an open relationship.  We had played around with this early in our marriage, but clearly we weren’t ready for it.  We both love each other, and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but realize that we both have different needs and wants in our sexual lives.  Now this could be, because like I said, we’ve been together since high school.  We never really dated anyone else. Even with my affair, I could never bring myself to sleep with the guy, because it was the ultimate betrayal in my book.  That’s a topic for another post, I’m losing sight of what I had in mind for this post.

We set rules with the open relationship.  And these rules have worked.  We’ve been going now for over a year, and having a blast.  We’ve meet some awesome people, and some not so awesome people.  But one couple we met up with, we really hit it off.   We “met” last May, and I use “met” because we chatted  for months, before we could get our schedule to sync up.  We finally got together in July of last year and have become more than just partners.  We’ve developed an interesting dynamic between the four of us.  I’m very much like the husband with a touch of the wife, and my husband is very much like the other couples wife. When can hang out for hours on end having a good time, no weirdness between anyone. Honestly, we’ve all become best friends.  This is not the case with the other couples and/or single people we hook up with.  For lack of a better term, the other couples and single people are basically booty calls.

So back to what happened.  In September I was introduced to the husband’s best friend. With strict instructions not to mention anything about swinging.  I totally agreed because not a lot of friends and none of our family knows that we do that.  Well the best friend put the pieces together, on his own, from conversations I had with him, and slips of the tongue from the wife of the other couple.  Here within lies the issue, the best friend is bad mouthing my partner.  Saying all these things that I told him, none of which I did, to the point with my partner confronted me about it and felt betrayed.  Which, I would too in that situation. Needless to say, I was in a very bad place in my head for a long time, because I felt attacked by everyone.  My husband and the other couple.  When I never said anything to the best friend about swinging.

As far as my husband and my partner are concerned I’ve worked through the hurt and betrayal that I felt. The wife knows that isn’t the case because we talk about it and how it was handled, and she feels incredibly bad for it.  I haven’t had closure, nor have I seen them, since this happened.  We live hours apart and only get together once a month, twice if we can make it happen.  I had a conversation with the wife today about it, because she’s become my closest girlfriend.  She also struggles with depression and anxiety, so she understands where I’m coming from.

I don’t think I can move on from this until I come clean about how hurt I was for how it was handled. I know it’s going to be a difficult conversation to have and its scary to me to do it.  I’ve basically got it down to two options:

Option 1: Have the conversation via text or email

Pro:  I can get out what I need to say without looking like an insane crazy person crying “ugly tears”

Con: I can’t see his reaction.  Leaves me inferring his tone when he replies.

Option 2: Have the conversation in person

Pro:  I can read his reactions, hear his voice and make rational interpretations of his response.

Con: I’m going to struggle to keep my emotions in check because it’s not an easy thing to talk about.

We are leaving on Monday for Spring Break.  Part of our trip involves staying with them for several days.  Our son loves them, and they love him.  So all parties are excited to see everyone.  But I have a sense of dread and doom because I know I NEED to have this conversation and I can’t move on until I do.

But it’s like beating a dead horse at this point. Everyone else is over it.  I’m not.  It’s my name that is being bad mouthed.  It’s my relationship with the husband that almost got ruined.  I should mention that the best friend HAS NO CLUE that the couple knows he is bad mouthing them, and they intend to keep it that way.  They have been hearing it from other people.

I feel like seeing him will help bring closure, but I can’t be sure.  I should have been honest with him when it happened with how much I was hurt in all of this, and still being hurt to this day.  But I didn’t, and I can’t go back in time to do that. He continues to tell me that he is not upset with me, that he’s not mad at me and that everything is fine.  But I don’t feel that way.  I still feel like it’s an open wound that refuses to close and heal.

I need help to figure out the best way to handle this.  I cannot continue to suppress this.  I have to get this taken care of before it eats anymore of my soul away with guilt and anxiety.

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