The Pit in the Stomach

I haven’t felt worry or any anxiety for WEEKS now.  I’ve been feeling really good.  I’ve been focusing on work, and my family.  It’s been great.  The guilt hasn’t been there.  It’s been gone.

Until now.

Back in April, I wrote a post about a situation. I’ve long since moved pass it.  I finally came to grip with it.

Well, the wife of the couple sent me this message, after I asked if she was okay, because she told my husband she was having a bad state of depression.

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This leads me to believe that it has something to do with that situation, because this is what happened last time.

The pit came back, the fear that I’ve done something, but don’t know what it would be.  I’m so over this shit. The drama, the lying, the silence.

I don’t swing for the drama.  I swing for the fun.   As much as I have enjoyed being with the couple, the amount of drama they have brought into our life is insane.

I have a local guy… no drama there, just good ol’ fashioned booty calls.

I have a somewhat local girl… no drama there.

Why?  Because those two people are honest. My husband and I are honest.  We communicate honestly.

The communication between the husband and I has been slowing over the last few weeks.  And I can honestly say that I’m okay with losing him as a friend if he doesn’t want to be honest with me anymore.

So why does the pit in my stomach come, when I know that I didn’t do anything wrong? Because that’s what anxiety does. It takes over when it doesn’t have any business doing so.

I have the house to myself tonight.  My husband and son went camping.  I refuse to not let this ruin my evening.  I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet, I’m going to force that feeling to go away, because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Mixed Emotions

I’m regretting the bottle of wine from last night. I don’t normally drink. However, we had a friend over last night, so I embraced the bottle of Moscoto and went all in.  

I’m having mixed emotions lately. I feel very happy. I feel like I’m making a difference, and then I’ll get hit with anxiety like a semi truck for no reason. 

Last night is a perfect example. I sent a text to one of my partners, the one I’m the closest to. No response after an hour, which is odd. I immediately start to assume the worst. That he’s no longer interested, I have upset him, etc…. The anxiety consumes me, full force. When he texts back, I feel like a fool.  He was having an early birthday dinner for his wife and had his phone on do not disturb.  At this point, I’m drunk and high and feel so foolish about it, I begin my road of “I’m sorry”, “I was being stupid,” ” Just forget I texted…”

That’s how my anxiety works. I feel like a stupid idiot when it takes over and apologize when I haven’t really done anything wrong. And I can’t help it. It’s how my brain functions. 

I wish that those attacks wouldn’t come. I wish that they would stay the f*** away.  I just want to be happy. I just want to live a normal life and not deal with this constant feeling of “someone out there is upset/disappointed with me.” 

Even when I’m at my happiest, there’s still a twinge of guilt because I am happy, and wonder if I deserve it. 

Happiness

I feel true happiness today. The world seems a little better. I know awful stuff is going on outside my bubble, but my bubble is happy. 

The month of March was a difficult one. I felt like I was in a funk the entire month. This week though, things are turning around. 

I have a long way to go to become 100% mentally and physically healthy, but I’m making progress. 

Everyday I fight to accept myself and be okay with who I am. Some days I win and some days I lose. But that’s okay.  As long as I keep trying and keep loving me, that’s what matters.