What now?

Yesterday was a rough day.  I wrote about what I would say to my friend/partner about him removing me from his life without warning. 

By 12:30 yesterday I had an email from him giving me those reasons. I thought I could handle it. I thought getting closure would be it. But as I lay in a fancy hotel room my husband whisked me away to for the week to take my mind off it, I can’t stop thinking that the last time I saw my partner in April would be the last time. 

I have so much to say to him. So much to explain. I want one more time to say goodbye. But that won’t happen. He says I betrayed his trust because I said something in passing to his wife. Something I didn’t know was a secret.  When his wife asked me, did you know about X, I said yes and explained the conversation. She then went back and relayed it to him. How is that something I could have prevented? I believe in honesty, truth, and compassion. 

I’m trying. I really am to let him go. But how do you so easily let someone go that you let in? That you trusted? That you cared for? 

The pain I feel is real. I can only hold it in so much. I want to cry. I want to see him one more time to know that is the last time. I see things that I know he would find humorous but can’t send him.  But I can’t. 

So, I’m stuck faking it til I make it until the pain goes away. I just don’t know when that will be. 

Anger

*** Warning, I’m angry and when I’m angry I drop certain words, that some might not like. *** 

The rage that courses through my body this morning is great.  It started last night.  With a  simple conversation that I knew was going to enrage me once I got the full story.

Ties are being cut.  For good this time.  I don’t need the drama in my life.  I need the freedom from the weight that I carry about this friendship.  I’ve tolerated it long enough.  I cannot continue to let this negative force into my life.  Which sucks.  Because I didn’t see them as a negative force, until recently, when I started asking questions to myself.

How much of your friendship was based on truth, twisted truths, or straight up lies?

Does this person actually care about me, or was it all pretend?

I’m tried of excuses.  I’m tied of feeling like I’m the one that has done something wrong.  I’m tried of it all.

Here is my ultimate problem.  I can’t express what I want to express.  Because things I know, I’m not supposed to know, and I don’t want to get the other person who is also involved in trouble.  So in my head, I’ve cut ties, but I cannot give them my 100% wrath because of the implications involved.

This is the shit that I’m talking about.  Knowing something, myself having to pretend, because the other person doesn’t know I know.  It’s deceptive.  It’s hurtful and I don’t like having to be put into this position.  But WTF am I supposed to do?  I still deeply care about one person involved and do not want to lose them, but could give a rats ass about the other at this point.  But I have to continue as if nothing is wrong.

I don’t want complicated.  I don’t have time for that.

So the anger inside is building.  I’m starting boxing this week.  That is to help with my anger.  But in the mean time, I’m not sure how to get this anger to go the fuck away.

I slept like shit last night because in my dreams I just had the same thing happen over and over again.  Me telling this person off and getting closure.  But, I can’t do that.

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Welcome to my anger.

The Pit in the Stomach

I haven’t felt worry or any anxiety for WEEKS now.  I’ve been feeling really good.  I’ve been focusing on work, and my family.  It’s been great.  The guilt hasn’t been there.  It’s been gone.

Until now.

Back in April, I wrote a post about a situation. I’ve long since moved pass it.  I finally came to grip with it.

Well, the wife of the couple sent me this message, after I asked if she was okay, because she told my husband she was having a bad state of depression.

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This leads me to believe that it has something to do with that situation, because this is what happened last time.

The pit came back, the fear that I’ve done something, but don’t know what it would be.  I’m so over this shit. The drama, the lying, the silence.

I don’t swing for the drama.  I swing for the fun.   As much as I have enjoyed being with the couple, the amount of drama they have brought into our life is insane.

I have a local guy… no drama there, just good ol’ fashioned booty calls.

I have a somewhat local girl… no drama there.

Why?  Because those two people are honest. My husband and I are honest.  We communicate honestly.

The communication between the husband and I has been slowing over the last few weeks.  And I can honestly say that I’m okay with losing him as a friend if he doesn’t want to be honest with me anymore.

So why does the pit in my stomach come, when I know that I didn’t do anything wrong? Because that’s what anxiety does. It takes over when it doesn’t have any business doing so.

I have the house to myself tonight.  My husband and son went camping.  I refuse to not let this ruin my evening.  I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet, I’m going to force that feeling to go away, because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Anxiety Road

My brain is going down the Anxiety Road.

Why?  I don’t know.  Well… I do know… but I don’t want to acknowledge it, because if I acknowledge it, then it might just be a real thing, and I don’t know if I can handle it being a real thing.

But in order to embrace it, I have to say it out loud.  I think I’m losing my best friend.  I think we are drifting farther and farther apart with each passing day.  Our text conversations have almost gone to nothing.  Pure “how are you feeling” and “how did you sleep” type stuff.  Nothing of substance.  No hours of texting back and forth talking about anything and everything.

I’ve noticed it for a few months now.  This slowly dwindling meaningful text conversations.  Is it something I’ve done?  Did I over burden them with my problems to where they don’t want to be apart of my life any more?  Did they grow tired of me?

So I am playing this game in my head. Going through our history of friendship.  We used text all day.  Literally. No joke.  From the time we got up, to the time we went to bed. Even with our crazy schedules. I knew theres and they knew mine.  Now I’m lucky if I get a text or two every few hours.  And it’s usually, the standard “how are you feeling…” and then nothing… How do I not get paranoid with that?  How do I tell myself they are busy? How do I convince myself that I’m not losing the person who gets me more than anyone I’ve ever known?

At times, I feel like I’m suffocating them.  That I’m too much.  My life. My problems. My stupid brain constantly over analyzing everything.  I want the old times back.  I want to not have to fear that I’ve done something to upset them.  Do they know something that I don’t know.  Are they ignoring me for a reason.  Do I send them a message and says “Hey, is everything okay?” and then look like a crazy person?  Because I’ve already done that a few days ago.  And then got a reply back like 4 hours later “No, I’m not giving you the silent treatment, I had my phone on do not disturb.”

How do I call bullshit when I know that’s not true.  Your phone is only on Do Not Disturb when you are sleeping.  Not in the middle of the day. You are choosing to not respond.

How do I bring up they promised to come visit me this week?  But nothing has been said about it for over a week now.  How do I explain that it’s better if you are honest with me instead of leading me on, and telling me that you don’t feel good, that you’re tired, that you want to visit but don’t have the energy too.  How do I explain that I know you’ve been out with other people because I’ve been told.  How do I explain the hurt feelings. The numbness that I feel because you don’t treat me the way you used to?  That I’ve never recovered from our problem (which I think is the trigger to the drifting) that happened back at the beginning of March.

How do I not cry with the idea that you are drifting away?  How do I not cry at the idea of something I’ve invested all this time into, doesn’t mean the same thing to you.  How do I not question every text you send me as to whether you are being genuine?   How do I bring this up?

Which path do I take on the Anxiety Road?  My brain says all three.  It says I’m right.  I’ve messed up, like always. My closest friend is drifting from me.  Going at a speed at which I cannot keep up.