There is a meditation in the app I use called “Everything Changes.” It’s meant to help those, like myself, with anxiety to deal with things that come up. I’ve done it a few times, but it never did anything for me.
Tonight, I can’t get those two words out of my head. While talking with my husband earlier we discussed how he hasn’t been social. He has been spending a lot of time writing and working. I pointed out he is more social than I am at the moment. Some days, since being unemployed, I don’t even leave the house. I simply move from one room to the next. I very rarely am in the same room with my husband because I don’t want to disturb his writing. Saying this out loud triggered a sadness inside I didn’t know I had.
I miss going to the coffee shop. I miss seeing my old coworkers. It hurts that while I was on suspension everyone had my back, texted me all the time to see how I was. Now, I haven’t heard from anyone in three weeks. I don’t go to the coffee shop because I don’t want to run into anyone. I don’t want to explain I don’t have a job, that I spend my days watching show after show on Netflix. That’s all I’ve done for 6 weeks now.
I feel isolated. I feel lonely. I miss working. I know that when I do get a job I will miss my freedom I have now, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
I think what sucks the most is that my birthday is coming up. Two weeks away. We had a big awesome trip planned that we had to cancel since I quit my job. It seems like every year there is something around my birthday. Last year I had to go on a work trip, the previous year my husband broke his foot, the year before that I was deathly ill. I can continue for the last ten years, but I won’t. The one thing I wanted for once was the have a nice easy birthday, but now I don’t care anymore. It’s another day that I will spend on my son’s bed watching Netflix while my husband works in the living room.
Everything changes. But some things never do.