What I Want to Say

I’ve made several posts about losing a friend. It’s official now. That person is not in my life.  Without any answers on their part, I’m left with great amounts of hurt, disbelief, and sadness.  

Against my better judgement, I texted yesterday afternoon. You see, I had been ghosted without reason. Texts of excitement I sent over passing a major exam for my field of work, went up unnoticed, unrecognized.  I knew when I sent this last text that would be it. But I needed to send it. 

I could have made this very mean and harsh. But I was honest and to the point. As of this morning, no response. That is the closure I needed. I still have so much to say to them. So I decided to write it here. 

I read an article the other day about the types of people who come into your life. Two of those stand out to me. The long-haul and the for a short time. 

When we met, it was like having someone that understood my issues with how my brain works.  We joked so many times that I was the female version of you and vice versa.  I shared my inner most demons with you and trusted you and valued your opinion more that you will ever know.  You told me that you cared about me, you said you worried about me, these statements put you in the “long-haul” friendship category and evidently you became my best friend. 

Now I’m letting questioning all those late night talks about life, about work, and school and if you ever truly cared about me the way you said you did. 

You changed my life. You helped push me in ways that I didn’t know I needed to be pushed.  You told me everything would be okay when I started therapy that it’s a healing process. You reassured me multiple times after you thought I betrayed your trust that you weren’t going anywhere, that you would always be my friend.  

But things have changed. You no longer, it would appear, want me in your life. You stopped confiding in me and built a wall around yourself, and tried to convince me it wasn’t there.  But it’s there, and I’m walled out without an explanation for you. 

In all honesty you don’t need to explain yourself to me, but as someone whom I trusted and cared for deeply, it is owed to me the reason to which you suddenly decided to leave my life, without warning. 

That is the part that hurts the most. There was no warning. As I look back on the last 4 months, I can see the slow build to this, but I thought there was still time to repair whatever was broken. But there’s not. 

I’ve cried over you. I’ve cried over losing our friendship. I’ve cried over losing my best friend, and someone I thought who would be in my life for the long haul. Part of me still wants to believe that. That you are going through something that you don’t want help with, and I understand that. However, the way you’ve treated me the last few months is not how you treat friends. 

I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here. When you are ready.  But I now know that you may never be ready and that I’ve lost you. 

I want to thank you for being there for me over the last year with all of my problems you’ve helped me through. I want to thank you for showing kindness to my son and all the gifts you bought him.  I don’t want to believe you were put into my life for a short term to help me through my problems, but that’s what it appears to be. 

I’m truly sorry if I did something to cause this. I’ve thought for weeks now what I did to cause this. And to be honest, I don’t know.  You stopped trusting me in March. That was the stepping point, and again you told me time and time again we were okay, and that you believed me. 

I could dwell on all the negative things and the hurt you have now brought into my life.  Instead, I’m going to think about the good times we’ve had.  All the movies we watched together, the gun range, long talks well into the night, hours of time spent playing video games with me and teaching me how to play games that require two thumb sticks. The gifts you bought me that were so perfect.  I will cherish those memories. 

I miss you. I wish I knew why things are what they are. But thank you for all the wonderful things you did help me with in this short amount of time we’ve known each other. 

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