*** Warning, I’m angry and when I’m angry I drop certain words, that some might not like. ***
The rage that courses through my body this morning is great. It started last night. With a simple conversation that I knew was going to enrage me once I got the full story.
Ties are being cut. For good this time. I don’t need the drama in my life. I need the freedom from the weight that I carry about this friendship. I’ve tolerated it long enough. I cannot continue to let this negative force into my life. Which sucks. Because I didn’t see them as a negative force, until recently, when I started asking questions to myself.
How much of your friendship was based on truth, twisted truths, or straight up lies?
Does this person actually care about me, or was it all pretend?
I’m tried of excuses. I’m tied of feeling like I’m the one that has done something wrong. I’m tried of it all.
Here is my ultimate problem. I can’t express what I want to express. Because things I know, I’m not supposed to know, and I don’t want to get the other person who is also involved in trouble. So in my head, I’ve cut ties, but I cannot give them my 100% wrath because of the implications involved.
This is the shit that I’m talking about. Knowing something, myself having to pretend, because the other person doesn’t know I know. It’s deceptive. It’s hurtful and I don’t like having to be put into this position. But WTF am I supposed to do? I still deeply care about one person involved and do not want to lose them, but could give a rats ass about the other at this point. But I have to continue as if nothing is wrong.
I don’t want complicated. I don’t have time for that.
So the anger inside is building. I’m starting boxing this week. That is to help with my anger. But in the mean time, I’m not sure how to get this anger to go the fuck away.
I slept like shit last night because in my dreams I just had the same thing happen over and over again. Me telling this person off and getting closure. But, I can’t do that.
Welcome to my anger.