Today is supposed to be a fun day. A day of celebration. But my mind is racing over this article I read last night.
I cried for a long time. I don’t want to be that mom. I want to be the mom that doesn’t let her anxiety make her angry. I’m so over stressed, so overworked, that the slightest thing will set me off.
My husband and son had a boys night in the living room last night. I hung out in my sons room and watched TV. Until I found that article and then it was over. I couldn’t find anything to watch that satisfied me. I kept thinking about everyone not wanting to hang out with me because I change the vibe of any situation. So I cried.
I sent the article to my husband, who told me to come to the living room. He held me and I cried some more. I don’t want to be that person. He says that I’ve come along way in a short amount of time, and I still have growth to be made. That he is here for me. But I can’t stop thinking how many times when I snap for no reason he yells at me for making everything worse.
Half the time I feel like a failure and guilt filled for things I have done or things I haven’t done. Not sure how to make that go away, when the anger rages inside and there’s no place for it to go.
I’m trying my best today. I really am. My husband can see I’m still upset. He tells me everything is okay. It is, outside my head. But inside it’s pretty bad. I see my PCP tomorrow. I’m going to ask for antidepressants along with my anti-anxiety meds because I can’t take much more.
I want to be happy. I want to make those around me happy. I want to feel like myself. And right now, I don’t feel like myself.