Mixed Emotions

I’m regretting the bottle of wine from last night. I don’t normally drink. However, we had a friend over last night, so I embraced the bottle of Moscoto and went all in.  

I’m having mixed emotions lately. I feel very happy. I feel like I’m making a difference, and then I’ll get hit with anxiety like a semi truck for no reason. 

Last night is a perfect example. I sent a text to one of my partners, the one I’m the closest to. No response after an hour, which is odd. I immediately start to assume the worst. That he’s no longer interested, I have upset him, etc…. The anxiety consumes me, full force. When he texts back, I feel like a fool.  He was having an early birthday dinner for his wife and had his phone on do not disturb.  At this point, I’m drunk and high and feel so foolish about it, I begin my road of “I’m sorry”, “I was being stupid,” ” Just forget I texted…”

That’s how my anxiety works. I feel like a stupid idiot when it takes over and apologize when I haven’t really done anything wrong. And I can’t help it. It’s how my brain functions. 

I wish that those attacks wouldn’t come. I wish that they would stay the f*** away.  I just want to be happy. I just want to live a normal life and not deal with this constant feeling of “someone out there is upset/disappointed with me.” 

Even when I’m at my happiest, there’s still a twinge of guilt because I am happy, and wonder if I deserve it. 

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