Out Of It 

I’m feeling very out of it right now. I feel sad, depressed, and angry.  

I mentioned a few posts ago about my husband and I having an open marriage and the struggle I was having with my main partner outside of him. We are hanging with them for the next few days, but I’m not enjoying myself. 

I feel like the situation I wrote about has actually made a big problem, and I thought seeing him would make it better. But it hasn’t.  He is off, distant, and not really engaging in any sort of conversation with me. He’s on his phone most of the time. 

I very much want to run and hide and cry. Which is what I do when I get upset. But I’m trying to stay strong.  I really thought seeing him would change how I’ve been feeling lately about being falsely accused of something, but it hasn’t.  Nor have I had the time to address it with him, mainly because his mood has been a negative one.  I thought maybe that we wouldn’t come because I could tell something was wrong, but he assured me everything was fine and do come and visit. 

I haven’t needed my nighttime meds in a week, which is great, but I feel like they might be necessary today because of how I’m feeling. I just want things to go back to how they were before, but I don’t think that they can. 

I’m trying to make the best out of what is becoming an awkward situation.  I want to make sure that my husband enjoys himself and that my son has a good time too. In terms of swinging, it’s been off balanced and weighed towards my side more, so I want him to enjoy himself. So I’m suppressing my feelings for now. I can already hear my therapist telling me that it’s not healthy, but what other choice do I have? 

This really sucks. 

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