Today is one of those “off” days. You know the ones. Where you don’t feel like yourself. You feel like you are going through the motions with no real outcome. That’s how I feel today. I’m in one of those spots.
One of my major hangups with my anxiety, is my overwhelming sense that I’m going to mess up everything that I touch. My rational brain knows this is not the case, but my anxiety brain doesn’t give a shit. It does what it wants, and doesn’t care about what I need to get done that day.
My work load is currently insane. Lots of planning for the next year is taking place, in a job where I’ve been learning the ropes for almost a year now. The person who had my job previously did all this work before I started. Now it’s my time to make it mine. To really make my impression on it.
Problem is that my anxiety today, is taking over. It’s assuming that I’m alone, that I suck, and who am I kidding to think I can pull all this off in the next 2 months. I’m stuck in a major loop, and in need of help to get out. Trying to force myself to work, and it’s not happening.
My therapist says I’m not allowed to secretly cry in my bathroom now. I’ve come clean to my husband that I’ve been doing that for years. Yes, I said years. However, today, I can’t handle explaining to him that I just need to cry and be held for like 10-15 minutes because he has his own work to do, and he’s having a good day today. (If you didn’t read my first post, he has depression). So I feel guilt in asking him to hold me while I cry and risk triggering a depressive state for him. That’s me in a nut shell. I put everyone else’s needs before my own.
As I’m writing this, I’ve cried twice alone and am hiding from my husband, under the pretense that I’m working in the bedroom. Healthy… no… but it’s what has to happen in order to get some sort of sanity in my system.
It’s a mental off day, I’m overthinking every interaction, and I need a do-over.