The title pretty much says it all right. It’s a beast. I mean really, it’s another 5 letter word that starts with “B” and rhymes with witch, but I won’t go there.
I’ve always lived my life surrounded by stress and the ‘what ifs.’ I thought that was normal. That’s how I was raised. Look at the worst possible outcomes and prepare for those. Never look at the bright side of things or how things can end of up a positive way. Basically living every day like the other shoe is about to drop.
In January of 2016, my husband suggested that I smoke pot. He said it will help me relax and unwind at the end of the day. It will calm you down to where you won’t lay there while we watched a show and be worrying about everything you have to do tomorrow. So I did. And he was right. It became my thing to help me calm down. Every night once my son was fast asleep, I’d sneak out back and smoke just enough to help calm me down. I’d then lay on the couch and enjoy myself for the evening.
In December of 2016, the anxiety was getting worse. I was having almost daily anxiety / panic attacks over the smallest of things. I was crying at the drop of a hat, in secret of course, because I couldn’t show any sign of weakness to my friends, coworkers, or even my husband. My husband was diagnosed with depression a few months prior, and my world was under attack making sure that he was okay, plus work my full-time job, go to school (online) to obtain my doctorate, and take care of my son. It’s no wonder my anxiety really kicked in. On our drive home from family during Christmas, I made the call to see my PCP about getting meds.
I’ve been on meds and seeing a therapist since January, and everyday is a journey. Some times it’s easy. Some times its hard. I’m hoping that this blog will help me organize myself on those bad days and serve as a reminder of my good days. If it helps someone else along the way too, that’s awesome.
Welcome to my journey.